My Favorite Photo (Trigger Warning)

Let me be up front about this...I don't really know if I want to be writing this post. It's been swimming around in my head for ages and I know it's a topic that could create hope or change or empowerment for some people, so I should post it.

But it's also really private. Not to those who have known me a long time, not really; but it's not something I talk about much even with them. And while I do share a lot of my life here on the blog, there are some parts that I try not to delve into.

Still, I feel like sometimes being brave means putting things out there, and I've been wanting to put this out there for months. So here it is.

This is my favorite running photo.

It was taken after the Space Coast Marathon as I sat, recovering and crying a little, covered in glory and friends and flowers, sporting my brand new medal. Victorious.

The words on my arms are words from my sister, who wrote me a heart-wrenching good luck card, and Matt, whose usual blunt encouragement leaves no room for disagreement.

And those words, scrawled on my arms before I set off to do something totally life-affirming, something that epitomizes strength and determination, are written over dozens of self-inflicted scars.

You can barely tell in the photo. Most people don't really notice them in person, or if they notice, they have the tact not to ask about them.

But I see them. When I look at this photo, my eyes zero in on this strange meeting of my greatest time of weakness and my greatest moment of strength.

When I look at this photo, I see what my life was and what it has become. I am so grateful; I am humbled; I am in awe. I created those scars during a time in my life when I never imagined I could ever have the strength to turn my pain into something worthwhile. And here they are, obscured by words that prove the simple truth that, yes, I was able to do just that.

I don't know where my running will continue to take me, but I do know that it has already impacted my life in so many ways, and this picture is just one example of how completely I have changed...in part thanks to this sport and all it has given me. This March was my 10th anniversary of being..."clean", I guess you'd say. Some days are harder than others, and on those days, I run.

I know running has changed many of my runner-friends' lives for the better. Do you have a story to share?

ABK

A Run Like That

I don't know what got into me today, but I wasn't feeling right. It started after classes had ended, when my planning period began. I sat down to get some grading done and realized it's only Monday.

We had our first volleyball tryout today, which was really fun...but by the time I got home I was feeling a bit melancholy. It took me longer than I planned to get going for my short recovery run tonight; by the time I got outside, the sun was well below the horizon.

I spent a little time watching that lone heron.

The moon was a perfect silver sliver overhead; the trees burned orange with the last rays of the sun. As it grew darker, frogs crossed my path in droves. The night had cooled. I was the only one on the course.

At one point, I closed my eyes and ran with my arms outstretched.

I used the first mile to warm up, to feel a little alive, to shake off whatever was weighing me down.

At the end, I flew. I pushed my last mile into sub-9s and held it there. I felt my mind and body wake up and come alive...I breathed deeply, felt my lungs open, felt the blood rushing through my body. I felt weightless and free.

Sometimes we just need a run like that.

When's the last time you ran just for the love of it?

ABK

I Know, I Know...I've Been Missing Again

This whole "week between posts" thing isn't purposeful, but unfortunately, blogging is at the bottom of the totem pole as far as concerns right now.

I've been having a pretty down couple of weeks. Not just because I've been easing back into running and having to take it slow is a little depressing...But that's part of it.

Report cards are in, and the clean slate of a fresh quarter feels freeing. I'm hoping that "free" feeling sets in soon, because right now I feel as stressed as ever. And unfortunately, that's rolling over into my fitness life.

Have I mentioned lately that I've realized that I kind of hate "working out"? If I'm going to be active, I prefer a whole-body activity that's fun and helps me forget I'm staying fit. That's why I love running...it doesn't feel like exercise! It's also why I'm quickly becoming a SUP addict.

An evening paddle on the backwaters.

This past week, my Ragnar team met to discuss team names, payment plans (holy expensive race, Batman!), singlet designs, and more! I'm so excited to get to know all the women on the team better. I work with two of my teammates, but the others are virtual strangers (or "friends waiting to be made").

SO EXCITED!

Saturday Matt had a SUP race and won first place in his division! Is it wrong that I'm a little jealous that he's been paddling for a short year and is already winning races, and I've been running for 4 years and have only placed once? (Third, I may add.)

The starting line.

Matt's in the center, hauling tuchus!

Of course, SUP is a relatively new sport and the races are smaller, but still. He's definitely found his niche.

I'm so proud!

I went for a nice 4-miler last night. My legs felt like lead after paddling 5 miles Sunday, but it feels good to be building up my mileage. I have a 10k this weekend that I loved last year, and I'm hoping that I'm in good enough shape that I enjoy it this year (although I'm not looking to PR...Not after having to take time for recovery.)

My foot was completely pain-free during the run! Now that I'm refocusing on a shorter distance race to end the season, I feel a lot happier and less stressed about meeting any goals. I'm just letting my foot heal, enjoying myself, and running because I want to.

This will be my first half marathon run alone, so it will be a milestone no matter what. I'm really looking forward to relying on myself for the entire race.

Also, like I said, I've been having a rough few days. I came home today to Matt waiting to greet me, holding these:

And they're my favorite, to boot.

Day. Made.

What interesting fitness activities do your friends or SO participate in?
Are you excited that The Walking Dead is back? I AM!
What cheers you up when you've been down?
Besides running and blogging, what have you been up to this week?

ABK

An Exceptionally Important Post

This post isn't about running...or it is, but not directly.

This week is Suicide Prevention Week. I've known so many people affected by suicide and depression - some of my favorite people, relatives, closest friends, myself - and no time is better than now to remind everyone that you're valuable and deserve to be here.

I'm not going to go deep into my own story. I don't know yet if I'm ready to air that dirty laundry. But I did battle depression for years, and sometimes I still fight with its sneaky undertow.

Running has made a huge difference in my life and has kept my depression at bay longer than it ever has been. It has helped to ease my anxiety, increase my self-worth, and balance my moods. I've talked a little about it here.

As a teacher, I see students struggling with depression to the point that it leads to self-harm, and that too is very familiar to me. It breaks my heart to see bright, funny, witty, intelligent, critical, and insightful young people battling internally.

The Bloggess has posted an excellent blog entry today full of helpful links and hotlines for anyone needing help and support. Remember that you are not alone; believe it or not, there are people out there who understand your pain and want to help you transcend it.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, please click her post.

Also, To Write Love on Her Arms, an organization geared towards raising awareness and support for teens dealing with depression, is working to remind us all about why we are irreplaceable. It's a great way to remind yourself that you have an impact and make a difference.

They're a great organization! If you are a teen - or know and love a teen - it's worth looking into.

 Another helpful site, especially this week, is PostSecret.

Remember that darkness passes. In the meantime, there are people out there who can help. Don't let depression silence you.

ABK

Back in the Saddle

My cough 90% gone, I decided to bite the bullet and finally go for a run today. I have been three weeks off running, and was really itching to get back out there.

A few factors didn't cooperate, most notably my lungs. I'm still congested and coughing up phlegm, so I wasn't surprised to struggle in that regard. I was planning to do two miles, but then the rain set in. I purposely chose a route close to home so I could easily return if my body wimped out.

Just the right amount of stormy, and the rain blessed me with cooler temperatures, too.

I fully expected to be a wreck today, given that three weeks off can really set a runner back, and had accepted that this run might not be great. But I completed it in 9:48, and ran more than half of it between 8:50 and 9:07. (Given the short distance, that's not so impressive, but I'm feeling oddly proud about it.)

In the end, I was out of breath, rained-on, and exuberant.

Check out that *glow*

There was something beautiful about running in the rain. I felt cleansed of some of my hang ups and excuses that have been weighing me down this month. And when I plugged the run into Nike+, I knew I'd made the right decision when I saw this:

If I had allowed May to slip through my fingers completely, I would have missed my goal of "no blank months" this year.

I have a long journey ahead, even to start building up to a solid 4 miles, but I've been there before and I'll get there again. Today, I'm feeling positive.

How would you describe the feeling of a first run back after a break?

Do you like running in the rain?

ABK

I Wish I Knew Then...

Tonight's run had me chanting in my head that old saying:

Quote by Scott Tinley

It was steamy hot, a good 86 degrees, and still sunny. I had planned to go later but ended up being pushed out the door a bit early. My calves were the good kind of sore in the beginning, the anaerobic-exercise kind of sore, and I pushed to the end with an average 9:32 pace. Not too shabby.

Sun and heat are my Kryptonite, but I won this round.

I've been thinking lately that I'm in another growth stage, and while sometimes I feel I'm starting from zero, there are definitely things I benefit from knowing now that I didn't know when I first began.

When I began running, I wish I knew...

1. Every run is not going to be the epitome of freeing/awesome/spiritual. Conversely, every run is not going to be sluggish/painful/shuffling/draining. Running is 90% mental.

I wish I had known progress was slow-going, even once you've gotten some races and long runs under your belt. Running takes work.

2. Walk breaks are acceptable; planned intervals take the defeatist feeling out of walking.

3. Strength-training is so important! Even if you're just doing squats and leg lifts, keep your hips, butt, and core strong to avoid injuries, especially in the knees. On a related note: a foam roller will become your best friend and the best $24 you've ever spent.

To see more about my hip-strengthening routine, click here!

4. Don't overdo it. Rest days aren't a reason to feel ashamed. Smart runners let themselves rest and recover.

5. The right shoes are everything. Have your gait tested, check into the store's return policy, and don't settle for something that costs less if your feet protest the decision. Also, learn to lace your shoes in a way that's comfortable for you. Look into orthotics if necessary, and remember to track your miles, because depending on what surface you run on, you'll need new shoes every 300 to 600 miles.

I wear the Asics Kayano, but that doesn't mean they're right for everyone.

6. Baby powder, Vaseline, Blister Block...apply liberally. Chafing happens, and sometimes it's permanent.

7. Name brand running clothes are nice splurges, but Target sells some pretty awesome gear. Shoes should be expensive; the other stuff doesn't have to be.

8. Black bottoms are key, especially if you have a nervous race bladder.

9. Pee before you run. Scratch that. Pee multiple times before you run.

10. Neon socks, bras, tops, etc, make you faster. This is a proven scientific fact, people.

Someone should really do a study on that, but I guess it would be pointless since we all already know what the outcome would be.

11. Mix up your runs. Do some slow, some fast, some longer than others. Try new paths. Don't let yourself get bored.

12. The right music can change a run. Keep your playlist updated and mix up the order of the songs once in awhile to keep it from getting stale. And don't be afraid to run unplugged once in awhile, either.

13. Running before the sun comes up and running in the rain will make you feel super hardcore.

14. Learning to eat the right foods at the right time takes some trial and error. Running on empty can be just as terrible as running on a too-full stomach.

15. Running groups are usually less scary than they seem; they love to welcome new people, and the friendships you'll make with other runners are some of the most intimate you'll ever have.

Bonus: I wish I had known that running can become an addiction, a go-to cure for all that ails you, a spiritual and mental respite from your hard days, a way to celebrate your good days, and, simply put...a way of life.

What do you wish you had known when you were a new runner?

What valuable things have you learned?

ABK

Resting Easy

It has been an incredible indulgence to have taken this time off from running. While my legs are feeling jittery and I'm restless and ready to run again, it's been nice to "sleep in" until 6am. It's been nice to give my legs time to heal; the twinges in my hip flexor, knee, and foot (all on my left leg) are growing faint. I've spent this time getting back to work, coaching volleyball, and relaxing. It's funny how, right after traveling for the holidays, I'm always in desperate need of relaxation.

This week off hasn't left me feeling awful or depressed, as I wrote about feeling on unplanned days off. In fact, I feel whole and sound in my body, mind, and spirit...as corny as it sounds.

I've kept myself in the running loop, though. The three or four Facebook running groups that I follow are alive with chatter as fellow runners gear up for their big races. Mine has passed and I'm in a moment of suspension, but it's cool to sit back and watch the training go on around me. Goals are being met, feedback is being requested, advice being doled out, and I am happily finishing the last of the cranberry sauce and pie and just...taking a break.

It's nice, too, to know that this break isn't indefinite. There have been times in the past when taking a week off quickly rolls into months of inactivity; that's what started this 2012 resolution in the first place. But I know this time that this year has changed me. Running has become too important to me; I will not fall idle again.

I'm not ready to ruminate on the year. It's an upcoming post which will be more appropriately timed, but even the thought of sitting down to write it is daunting. For now, I'll leave it at that.

I am so excited to run this weekend. My plan is to have no plan. Ah, freedom! I just want to stretch my legs, take it easy, and start at square one. This weekend's run won't be about training. I'm not even quite sure which race I'm gearing up for next, so I guess the answer to that question would be "none". There are a few left on the list for this race season, but they're in the back of my mind.

I'm reliving fond memories of breaking out of two-milers at the end of the summer and consistently adding distance and weekly mileage, rocking our first long-run, shocking ourselves at how far we could really go, and how easily! It's exciting to know I'll be starting back there soon, and that the increase and skill will come back faster this time around. It's exciting, too, to know that I'll be able to add longer tempo runs, more long-runs...that basically this was my first round of training in a lifetime of training cycles, and this next cycle will give me the opportunity to climb up to the next level. Maybe I'll push my distance. Maybe I'll push my pace. Maybe my new goals will be ones that were previously unfathomable. Who knows? The running world lays open wide with possibilities before me!

I feel weirdly...fresh. A chapter is closed - the Half is finished. A new chapter begins.

On my time off, I've been collecting the quotes I get from RunnersWorld.com. I feel like it would be lazy to just post a bunch of them and call it a blog entry, but I want to keep them somewhere that's easy to access and available to others in need of inspiration. I think I'll create a new tab for quotes sometime this week. It will be good mental prep that I know will get me revved up and ready to rejoin the running world.

ABK

Addiction and Cure

Author's Note: This blog entry discusses running as an addiction that affects my personality, and as a cure for my depression. In discussing addiction and depression, I in no way wish to offend anyone. This is about my experience, my struggle, and my journey. Thanks for reading.

Addiction is a worrisome word most of the time. It calls to mind illicit activities, an inability to control one's urges, and a sense of impending doom as destructive habits go unchecked. Veteran runners will tell you about the runner's high without any sense of irony or concern. Non-runners will roll their eyes, because surely this is just something runners talk about; it likely doesn't exist and is just a figment of a deluded mind.

But the runner's high is real, caused by endorphins and hormones released during exercise; and if the high is real, then it makes sense that - like other things that get you high - running can be addicting.

I have written before about becoming a total nightmare on days I don't run.  This still holds true for the most part, although since increasing my mileage and consistently running in the morning, I find that rest days aren't as difficult to deal with. My body craves rest, and I don't really mind taking those days off anymore. However, I am noticing different side-effects of running consistently.

For example, this week we ran Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. We took Tuesday off. We were supposed to run Wednesday, but you know what they say about "the best laid plans". I didn't feel guilty about taking Tuesday and Wednesday off, but my mood underwent the kind of subtle and horrific change that can only be attributed to not getting a fix when your body is screaming for one.

I was lethargic all day. I was irritable with my students. I came home after work and wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep for a year. I was despondent; I clung to M and barely held back tears that, if pressed, I could not have explained the cause for.

Here's the thing. I've dealt with depression. I don't mean the kind of depression where you're kind of sad but a good day with friends pulls you out of it. I'm talking consistent, unshakeable, deep depression. The kind that leads down dark roads paved with unhealthy habits and addictions, concerned parents, baffled friends, helpless therapists, medications that prove useless, etc. I've read some interesting articles about running and depression, specifically that running can "cure" depression, but that those who choose this route may need to rack up 40+ miles a week in order to stave off the monster.

Anyway, on days I don't run, that deep, gnawing, unfathomable depression that has no immediate cause (and therefore no immediate solution) threatens to wake from its hibernation. It's barely a shadow of what I've dealt with in the past, but...well, slippery slopes, and all that.

So yes, running is an addiction for me. It's one that keeps me sane. On the days I think I'm too tired to run, I sleep an extra two hours but then struggle through a day filled with fatigue and short fuses. My students, who often bring me joy, irk me. They notice it, too, because kids are observant, and because they're tactless, they ask, "Are you getting sick? Are you tired? Are you okay? You look sick. You look tired."

On the days I force myself out of bed, I lose two hours of sleep but go to work feeling refreshed and buoyant. The energy lasts all day.

Off-days that are planned ahead are much easier to deal with, but the days that sneak up on us because of circumstances outside our control never turn out to be good days.

Running has become a wonderful drug for me, but I have to worry, because like any addiction, there are negative side-effects. This week I've had some tenderness in my ankles and knees; what if I injure myself and have to take time off? What if I (like many runners before me) ignore the signs that I need to cut back a bit? I could cross train at the gym on the rowing machine, the elliptical, the bike, in the pool...but I know that part of the high I get from running is from running. I may still be getting exercise in, but nothing affects me like running does.

This was meant to be a lighthearted post, and I think it got away from me. But I've been reflecting on the past ten months (oh my gosh, has it been that long since I made this resolution?!), and my relationship with running has changed and changed again. It's amazing how important it's become to me, and I feel a sense of complacent pride when I think down the road five, ten, fifteen years and know I will still be running.

When I think back to high school, when I half-heartedly walked the mile run in close to 20 minutes and was struggling with a beast of a depressive nature, I can hardly believe the lifestyle change I've somehow managed to make. It used to look impossible; it was a mountain I'd never conquer. But today I can credit my health, my happiness, my solid relationships, and my clear head to running. It's truly been a miracle drug.

ABK