Integrity Means Teaching the Truth

Alternatively Titled: This Country was Built on the Backs of Slaves

Bear with me while I climb up on my soapbox for a minute here.

There are many things I love about our annual class trip to Washington, DC: the symbolism of the monuments, the architecture, the gorgeous photographs in the Museum of Natural History, the naive idealism that used to be politics, evident in the video presentation preceding the tour of the Capitol Building...

But in the last couple years, I've been more and more bothered by the conspicuous absence of any worthwhile discussion of the real "founding" of America.

There is brief talk of slavery when we visit Mount Vernon and explore the slave quarters, but it does not come up again on the trip. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling here...Slavery is covered so superficially and in such a way that the reputation of the Founding Fathers is protected. I don't want our 13-year-old students to hear graphic details of slave auctions and rape and abuse but I wish they could hear some objective truth to clarify that these men were flawed human beings, not omniscient gods, not mythical, untouchable legends, and we should take care not to idolize people.

But it seems that any sort of criticism makes one unpatriotic...and apparently that is the worst thing you could be.

There is a profound discomfort as our guide tells us to look left and right at various buildings as we drive by but remains silent as we pass the new National Museum of African American History and Culture, drawing no attention to it.

There is no mention at all of the genocide that had to be orchestrated to allow us to live in this country today. Portraits and statues suggest that Indigenous peoples were eager to give up their land and their homes for the sake of white colonialism. 

Our guides overuse "these men died for your freedom" at memorials until it loses all meaning. I want to experience a tour that doesn't glorify the darkest parts of American history while whitewashing them at the same time.

All of this makes me incredibly uncomfortable. The reverence for the Founding Fathers borders on fanatical at times, and their shortcomings are dismissed because "well, that was normal for the time period." It is not normal for us, and giving them a pass normalizes racism and sexism, as if there was once an acceptable time to curtail rights and own human beings. 

I wish our tours were more honest about our history. I wish we had a chance to see diverse monuments that pay homage to the people who toiled against their will so we could live here as we do.

America did not spring up in a vacuum. It was not manifest destiny. People were murdered to secure our place on this land. The country was built through slave labor in the most literal sense of the phrase. And here we are, reaping the benefits, and barely sparing a moment to acknowledge from whence we came.

This is "our country". We feel that we own it. We take pride in it. (Sometimes.) We feel patriotic toward it. (Maybe.) But this blinkered nationalism...It has always made my skin crawl, and it seems to get worse every year.

I think this trip is valuable, but I just can't help but feel we're missing an opportunity to deepen the lesson and explore crucial complexities that would help our students develop compassion alongside national pride. Would it kill us to inject a little honesty into our history lessons?

ABK

5 Years Later (flashback Friday - Wedding Edition!)

Five years ago today, this happened:

I can't help but laugh...we've certainly aged a lot in five years!

Five years later and he still makes my heart skip a beat.

Five years later and he's still the perfect complement to every aspect of my personality.

Five years later and he's still everything I could ever want (and more than I ever knew I'd need) in a partner.

I am so grateful for these years and how we've grown together. Matt and I have changed a lot since we first started on this journey ten years ago, but we've always evolved in the same way and along the same path. At the end of the day, I know I'm married to my best friend, and you really can't get luckier than that.

ABK

(Because this is our 5-year-anniversary post, I stuck with wedding photos and kept it short and sweet. If you're newer to my blog, here's a little more about Matt's and my journey through the years.)

My Favorite Photo (Trigger Warning)

Let me be up front about this...I don't really know if I want to be writing this post. It's been swimming around in my head for ages and I know it's a topic that could create hope or change or empowerment for some people, so I should post it.

But it's also really private. Not to those who have known me a long time, not really; but it's not something I talk about much even with them. And while I do share a lot of my life here on the blog, there are some parts that I try not to delve into.

Still, I feel like sometimes being brave means putting things out there, and I've been wanting to put this out there for months. So here it is.

This is my favorite running photo.

It was taken after the Space Coast Marathon as I sat, recovering and crying a little, covered in glory and friends and flowers, sporting my brand new medal. Victorious.

The words on my arms are words from my sister, who wrote me a heart-wrenching good luck card, and Matt, whose usual blunt encouragement leaves no room for disagreement.

And those words, scrawled on my arms before I set off to do something totally life-affirming, something that epitomizes strength and determination, are written over dozens of self-inflicted scars.

You can barely tell in the photo. Most people don't really notice them in person, or if they notice, they have the tact not to ask about them.

But I see them. When I look at this photo, my eyes zero in on this strange meeting of my greatest time of weakness and my greatest moment of strength.

When I look at this photo, I see what my life was and what it has become. I am so grateful; I am humbled; I am in awe. I created those scars during a time in my life when I never imagined I could ever have the strength to turn my pain into something worthwhile. And here they are, obscured by words that prove the simple truth that, yes, I was able to do just that.

I don't know where my running will continue to take me, but I do know that it has already impacted my life in so many ways, and this picture is just one example of how completely I have changed...in part thanks to this sport and all it has given me. This March was my 10th anniversary of being..."clean", I guess you'd say. Some days are harder than others, and on those days, I run.

I know running has changed many of my runner-friends' lives for the better. Do you have a story to share?

ABK

My First Race

When I first began running in 2009, I never expected to run a race. Honestly, I'm not sure I was even aware that races were a thing you could just...sign up for! I was pretty inconsistent in my running at the time and I wasn't running very far...maybe a couple miles here and there.

In January 2010, this was my usual pattern: runs shorter than 2 miles a couple times a week. The 5k is the last green bar.

But after the 2010 earthquake that wreaked havoc on Haiti, a local church set up a 5k to raise money for disaster relief, and Matt and I signed up. I had just celebrated my one year runner-versary (runniversary?).

The race was pretty much as unofficial as you can get, but that's not to say it wasn't well-organized or successful. It was untimed and part of it was on bouncy Florida crab-grass and packed dirt. I remember it was overcast and the air felt wet. I was scared I would get lost. I was scared I wouldn't be able to finish. I had never run 3.1 miles before; I had no idea if I could.

Yes, that's right. I ran in cut-off sweats and the cotton race T-shirt. This was before I believed in race-shirt superstition. Also, can you tell I'm smiling?

For the first half of the race, I felt good. When we hit the grass, I walked. Part of me was devastated to be walking, but I noticed a lot of people walked in the grass so that helped my confidence. It lasted about a quarter mile as it looped behind some baseball fields; then came packed dirt, and I ran again.

You can tell this was in the days before everyone and their mother had a smartphone with a good camera. Here I am nearing the finish.

Matt was there when I crossed the finish line. I wasn't last. I'd done the whole thing. I had walked, but not too much. I sprinted the end of it. Having had a clear view of me for the last half mile or so, Matt was surprised and impressed that I had run the end of it and finished strong.

Matt and I post-race with our friend Ryan.

Going back into Nike+, I can see that I ran that race way faster than I remember. My subsequent 5ks were all over 30 minutes, and I've always believed my first 5k took me 33+ minutes, but apparently not!

Seriously? These are splits I would kill for right now.

My runs leading up to my first race were all less than 2 miles. Even though I knew nothing about running clothes or gear, my paces averaged in the 9:30s pretty consistently, which I guess goes to show that all the bells and whistles don't really matter all that much.

My last .1 was at a pace of 8:56 and I finished well under 30 minutes, which became a barrier in my next few 5ks that I set to work breaking. I totally forgot that I ran this 5k so successfully!

I was totally unprepared for my first 5k and I didn't know what to expect, but it was the perfect race to break the ice for me. After that, races were less daunting. Suddenly I realized that 5ks could be found pretty much any weekend, and I started to push my distances and train more consistently. 

I learned that having a goal race in mind helps keep your running on track. My running frequency increased like crazy; in 2010 I ran 35 times that year. Yes, that whole year. My total distance was about 82 miles.

Comparably, in 2014 I ran 115 times and my total distance was about 538 miles.

It's really cool to be able to go back and see my progress. I know I would have just kept running short runs a couple times a month if I had never run that first 5k.

It's true what they say, I guess. The 5k is a gateway race drug!

This post is fortuitously well-timed...Just before winter break I convinced a friend who had just started running to try C25k. She's hooked. We will be running a 5k together in February; it will be her first.

Do you remember your first race?
Do you have access to your entire running history?
What do you wish you had known before you ran your first race?

ABK

A Very Special Blog Post

It's going to be really, really hard to condense eight or nine years into a blog post. I'll do my best.

Matt and I met in 2004 as freshmen at Stetson University. We hung out that year, but I was dating a friend of his and just considered him one of the many guys in my social clique at the time. When we went home for summer vacation, we realized we lived within 15 minutes of each other. Small world!

Not long after summer break ended, my boyfriend and I mutually split. He was going to come to a formal my sorority was having anyway, but came down with some hospital-worthy food poisoning; he urged Matt to go in his place.

I can feel you judging our fashion choices. This was a long time ago, okay?

I know it's cliche and corny to admit, but when we shared our first slow dance, I really did feel a spark of electricity go down my spine. I just knew I'd found something real.

We continued to hang out, but this was nothing different than before. Matt's friends were my friends, and it wasn't unusual for us to be spending time together in that setting. But then winter break rolled around, and we found ourselves back in our hometown and basically inseparable.

Busch Gardens, circa 2006

Our relationship had its ups and downs, like all do. But Matt and I have always known how to talk to each other. There's nothing we can't get through.

The remainder of college saw us break up, reconcile, travel abroad, break up, reconcile, and confess our undying love. We experienced long-distance dating the year I went to grad school, when Matt took a job in Indiana. If anything, it taught us that we wanted to be together permanently. We both learned to grow as our own people and together, to make compromises, to support each other, to expand our interests, and to become good listeners.

In Glasgow, Scotland in the winter of 2007.

I couldn't ask for anyone better suited to me. Matt makes me laugh every day, knows how to sit quietly and listen when I'm having a breakdown, brings me back to earth when I'm going a little crazy, thinks I'm a great cook, runs with me when it's dark, wakes up at ridiculous hours to cheer me on at races, urges me to take risks and go on adventures, and is the best hugger I know.

Relay for Life 2008

It was Matt who bought me my first iPod for running, my shoes, and encouraged me to keep at it. I don't know if I'd be a runner if not for him, which is funny, because while he races with me any distance up to a 10k, he's not really a "runner".

Sticking together during an 8k

Up before the sun to cheer me on at the Women's Half last year.

On July 10, 2010, we made it official. These last three years have been rewarding beyond explanation.

Our first moments as a married couple.

 Marriage is hard work, sometimes, but I'm grateful everyday for Matt. Life is a lot more enjoyable with him in it!

Our first dance.

 I feel like I've known him my entire life...He's my rock, the perfect complement to my neurotic self, and my best friend.

I can't imagine my life without him, and every year I look forward to the next.

I have my parents to thank (in part) for Matt's and my strong marriage. After all, they taught me what to look for in a good partner, and showed me what a healthy marriage looks like.

They're celebrating 33 years just two days after we celebrate our 3rd. I've learned from their marriage to enjoy your own pastimes, but make sure you nurture the things you have in common and what brought you together.

Mom with her parents and siblings...and dad, doing a great job of blending.

They've taught me that humor, a healthy dose of sarcasm, and staying active help solidify a bond. They've taught me that taking a weekend with your friends - and leaving the ol' ball and chain at home - is totally allowed, and even encouraged.

Dancing at our wedding in 2010.

They've taught me that no matter what gets in the way, you stick together, and you make it through...with love, laughter, and some off-color fart jokes.

So, here's to us, and here's to them.

How did you meet your SO?
Who do you look to as an example of a strong relationship?
How do your loved ones encourage you to follow your dreams?

ABK

Branching Out

M and I have been on a quest to get out more, try to be more social, and not spend all our free time sitting on the couch with our computers on our laps. This has proven pretty successful. Tonight was another venture into the great unknown. One of the running groups here is offering a free "training" called "6 weeks to 6 miles". It's basically an unofficial training group for the 10k we're signed up for in April.

We were a little worried we'd be overqualified, having run a 10k or two in the past, but it turns out many of the runners who showed up are really advanced. We're talking Ironman competitors. Of course, there were some newbies too, so it was a nice mix. The idea behind the meetups is that every week we focus on something to do with form, not necessarily distance. That's fine, since I know I can build the distance, and really I just needed something to spur me back into the running mode. (I'm also on the hunt for runners in my area who are closer to my pace.) Today we worked on negative splits, which is perfect for me because I'm still working on bringing my pace back down from the 10s. I have no idea why the 9:40s take so much out of me lately, but I guess I should chalk it up to the time I've spent resting.

Today's goal of negative splits was successful!

I forgot to take my inhaler beforehand. It was a muggy evening, overcast, and warm. But I actually felt fine. We started with a .25-mile extremely slow warmup, then did a slow-run mile, and turned back to do our faster second mile. The warmup helped my knees a lot. I wasn't the slowest out there, either, which was nice.

Everyone at the group was really friendly, but I am as antisocial as they come. I was able to strike up a conversation with one girl (after I awkwardly made eye contact, she finally introduced herself) who seemed about our age, and sure enough she turned out to be a teacher. Too bad she lives at least 25 minutes south of us!

I've been doing my leg exercises and stretches consistently, so I think that helped my run, too.

Most of my runs look the opposite of this; I need to remember a slow start & strong finish feels better all around.

Today I signed up for the Fast & the Furriest 5k in March. I'm really looking forward to this, because KS is going to run it with me! (KS is a sorority sister who lives on the other coast. It's really nice to get to bond over running with someone I've known for such a long time! I feel like we're still discovering the sport together.)

Last time I ran this race, I was by myself because K was pregnant...it was my first ever solo race. I remember being so overwhelmed and scared. I forgot my hair tie and had to use a million bobby pins to keep my hair up. But I remember also how exhilarated and proud I felt to finish the race on my own. I felt independent...like a real runner. This was one of my first sub-30 5ks, too. I have such fond memories of this race!

Finishing the F&F in 2012. Check out the 'do...and the knee braces!

Also in March is the Susan G. Komen 5k. It's the exact same course as the F&F, but more than triple the size of it. Obviously it's a well-publicized race. It's also one my students run; I love seeing them being active and helping a good cause outside of school. I ran this one last year with K, and it was a blast!

It's nice to have these little races coming up, and it's really cool to be repeating races I'm familiar with. It makes me feel like a real member of the Tribe. And, because I've run these before, I know I like them, I'm not as nervous for them, and all I feel is happy anticipation.

Anyway, this spring is shaping up to be like a mini race season. A friend over at the Sub-30 Club brought up the idea of "seasons", and I really like it. When not training, it's okay to have a season of rest, interspersed with smaller runs. I'm enjoying this time immensely. 

Great Expectations

I've been mentally fixated on this one thing for a couple weeks now, and I think it's time to finally bring it into the light.

I am petrified of my Half on Sunday.

I want to put all this into words so that it will stop clanging around in my head, but there's so much there that it's hard to explain. I guess I'll start with a list to keep myself organized.

1. The NDN in 2011 was my first half marathon. I ran it without preparation. My time was 2:56. I finished with an injury, put my running on hold, and felt completely demoralized.

2. My half on Sunday is the same race, two years later. Since then, I've become a much stronger runner. I ran my November Half exactly as I wanted, loved every moment of it, and thought I'd lifted a weight from my shoulders by conquering it.

Nearing the end of NDN Half 2011

3. I know that in the past two weeks, I've slacked off more than I should have. (Self-defeating attitude, anyone?) I also know that since the November half, I've cut my mileage due to recovery and scheduling conflicts.

So where does this lead me? I guess I'm in that place where it's like, if I don't try, it doesn't say anything about me that I've failed. That's an attitude I sometimes cop when it comes to running, and it's one I try to destroy anytime I see it in others - namely, my students. So how can I say to them that failing shows you tried, and that's what counts, yet when it comes to myself, practice the exact thing I preach against?

I want so badly for this half to go better in 2013 than it did in 2011, and realistically there is NO WAY it could be worse. I also want this half to at least be comparable to the one in November, but that's unlikely. Am I aiming for a new PR? No. But I want to come in under 2:30, I want to run the entire thing, and I want to be uninjured at the finish line.

I was trying to explain all this to M and quickly dissolved into a fit of emotion that he simply couldn't comprehend. How can a single race be so stressful? How can I be looking forward to it while simultaneously trembling at the thought of running it? Why is all this mental baggage so. damn. heavy?

Whoever said running is 90% mental is right. Here I am, apprehensive of what Sunday will bring, yet also feeling strangely confident and excited. I think it's because my brain has become a battle ground. My body is ready for the run. I may not be in the shape I was in in November, but I can definitely run 13.1 miles as long as I set my own pace and have fun. (I've got a new playlist ready to go, put together with the help of jog.fm, and I'm really itching for a good workout and a lovely, flat, beautiful course.) I've had multiple pain-free runs lately, I've been using my foam roller and flat-band religiously, and I'm doing all my hip stretches and core exercises. I'm also feeling more and more confident in my ability to run a full sometime this year.

So physically, I'm feeling okay. Good, even. But my stupid chatterbox brain won't shut up. Self-doubt is a runner-killer. I need to let my body brainwash my mind. I need to repeat over and over that I am capable, ready, and excited.

This is the first race of 2013, and I haven't run a race since November. Part of my anxiety is stemming from there. If I take this race as what it is - the first of the year - and put aside any expectations, I should be fine.

Now, I just have to convince my brain to play along.

ABK

Addiction and Cure

Author's Note: This blog entry discusses running as an addiction that affects my personality, and as a cure for my depression. In discussing addiction and depression, I in no way wish to offend anyone. This is about my experience, my struggle, and my journey. Thanks for reading.

Addiction is a worrisome word most of the time. It calls to mind illicit activities, an inability to control one's urges, and a sense of impending doom as destructive habits go unchecked. Veteran runners will tell you about the runner's high without any sense of irony or concern. Non-runners will roll their eyes, because surely this is just something runners talk about; it likely doesn't exist and is just a figment of a deluded mind.

But the runner's high is real, caused by endorphins and hormones released during exercise; and if the high is real, then it makes sense that - like other things that get you high - running can be addicting.

I have written before about becoming a total nightmare on days I don't run.  This still holds true for the most part, although since increasing my mileage and consistently running in the morning, I find that rest days aren't as difficult to deal with. My body craves rest, and I don't really mind taking those days off anymore. However, I am noticing different side-effects of running consistently.

For example, this week we ran Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. We took Tuesday off. We were supposed to run Wednesday, but you know what they say about "the best laid plans". I didn't feel guilty about taking Tuesday and Wednesday off, but my mood underwent the kind of subtle and horrific change that can only be attributed to not getting a fix when your body is screaming for one.

I was lethargic all day. I was irritable with my students. I came home after work and wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep for a year. I was despondent; I clung to M and barely held back tears that, if pressed, I could not have explained the cause for.

Here's the thing. I've dealt with depression. I don't mean the kind of depression where you're kind of sad but a good day with friends pulls you out of it. I'm talking consistent, unshakeable, deep depression. The kind that leads down dark roads paved with unhealthy habits and addictions, concerned parents, baffled friends, helpless therapists, medications that prove useless, etc. I've read some interesting articles about running and depression, specifically that running can "cure" depression, but that those who choose this route may need to rack up 40+ miles a week in order to stave off the monster.

Anyway, on days I don't run, that deep, gnawing, unfathomable depression that has no immediate cause (and therefore no immediate solution) threatens to wake from its hibernation. It's barely a shadow of what I've dealt with in the past, but...well, slippery slopes, and all that.

So yes, running is an addiction for me. It's one that keeps me sane. On the days I think I'm too tired to run, I sleep an extra two hours but then struggle through a day filled with fatigue and short fuses. My students, who often bring me joy, irk me. They notice it, too, because kids are observant, and because they're tactless, they ask, "Are you getting sick? Are you tired? Are you okay? You look sick. You look tired."

On the days I force myself out of bed, I lose two hours of sleep but go to work feeling refreshed and buoyant. The energy lasts all day.

Off-days that are planned ahead are much easier to deal with, but the days that sneak up on us because of circumstances outside our control never turn out to be good days.

Running has become a wonderful drug for me, but I have to worry, because like any addiction, there are negative side-effects. This week I've had some tenderness in my ankles and knees; what if I injure myself and have to take time off? What if I (like many runners before me) ignore the signs that I need to cut back a bit? I could cross train at the gym on the rowing machine, the elliptical, the bike, in the pool...but I know that part of the high I get from running is from running. I may still be getting exercise in, but nothing affects me like running does.

This was meant to be a lighthearted post, and I think it got away from me. But I've been reflecting on the past ten months (oh my gosh, has it been that long since I made this resolution?!), and my relationship with running has changed and changed again. It's amazing how important it's become to me, and I feel a sense of complacent pride when I think down the road five, ten, fifteen years and know I will still be running.

When I think back to high school, when I half-heartedly walked the mile run in close to 20 minutes and was struggling with a beast of a depressive nature, I can hardly believe the lifestyle change I've somehow managed to make. It used to look impossible; it was a mountain I'd never conquer. But today I can credit my health, my happiness, my solid relationships, and my clear head to running. It's truly been a miracle drug.

ABK

Past, Present, Future

This introductory post is going to be a long one. Let's begin at the beginning, shall we?

Running History

In 2008, I was a student in grad school earning my masters in English education. Bogged down in studies, I was fighting with a crazily fluctuating weight and stress-induced lethargy. I was also newly engaged. With 2009 looming, I decided to focus my resolution on exercise.

I have never been a severely overweight person, but I was that kid in gym class who ran the mile in 20 minutes and then complained of being tired. I've had asthma since birth (this is not an exaggeration) and constantly used this as an excuse. I couldn't run a full lap around a track. Period. I had to walk about halfway in.

In high school and college I began to go to the gym, but it was always inconsistent. And, like many (dare I say "most"?) women, I battled disordered eating habits and an obsession with weight. It wasn't until grad school that I had a kind of epiphany. I didn't want to look at exercise as a competition; I didn't want to go to a gym and stare at a TV while I obsessed over calories on the elliptical. So, I made a resolution. I would learn to run outside.

"Like a real person," I said.

My fiance, M, was happy to help. I had an iPod and running shoes and was able to do my first couple runs without having to spend any money on "supplies". The first time I successfully ran a mile without stopping, I felt this sense of total elation and freedom. I, who could never even complete a lap around a track, could run a mile without pausing to walk!

My birthday falls right after Valentine's Day, and M and his mom worked together to buy me an iPod nano specifically for running, a Nike+, armband, and new Nike shoes. I was set! Having all the extra accoutrements really did motivate me to keep running.

I haven't looked back since. After getting married and moving for my job, I found a running buddy.

Running Pattern

I wouldn't say I stopped running after I began teaching, but teaching is not a job you leave at work when you go home. Coming home nightly to grade papers, tweak lesson plans, and work on furthering my own education completely destroyed my urge to run.

I teach English in a middle school; one of the other young teachers and I began to talk, and I realized that she, too, was a runner. We began to run together after school. This is definitely the best thing that has ever happened to my running. In grad school, my "running buddy" ran with me twice and then gave up. But K was different. She had run in high school and was avid. To this day, K is my running buddy; on days I don't want to run, knowing I'll let her down is the best way to get my feet into my sneakers.

In 2011, we ran a half marathon together. K had had a baby in May and we had been running all summer to train for the half, but when school started again our running fell by the wayside. We ran the half that January after months of not running at all. Talk about pain! Actually, I did injure myself. I did a mile run a day after the half and my knee hurt so badly I had to walk most of it. This is an injury I still need to baby today.

Can you tell I've never had formal running training?

So after the half, I took three months off from running. This brings me to my latest pattern. I don't run frequently enough. And this, of course, brings us to my future goal and this year's resolution!

Future Goal

My resolution, as I phrased it, was "run more consistently...don't have anymore blank months on DailyMile or Nike+." Well, okay. So how do I make sure I stay motivated?

For one thing, K also set a goal for a certain amount of miles this year, so we've got each other. I figured a blog that forced me to be held accountable for any excuses I make would also be a good thing.

I love running. It's a great way to clear my head. After eight hours of talking/lecturing or having people talk at me, it's a great time for reflection and silence. Sometimes I like to run alone to get a chance to just...mentally disappear for awhile. I mostly prefer running with K for the motivation, distraction, and camaraderie. Nothing solidifies a friendship more than the things you talk about after a good run.

So that's it. In 2009 I tied on my first pair of running shoes and haven't looked back. This year, I look forward to success in my fitness like I've never seen before! I encourage you to come along for the journey.

ABK