My Story on Run This World with Nicole DeBoom

Trigger Warning: General discussion of depression, self-harm, and disordered eating.

It's been awhile since I've written anything about my history with self-harm, and it's probably been even longer since I've just come out and said it so bluntly: I have a history with self-harm.

I'd say, too, that I have a present with self-harm, in the sense that I sometimes still think about it. Like I told Nicole when she interviewed me for her podcast, I liken self-harm to being an addict. My grandpa, an ex-smoker, once told me he didn't consider himself a recovered smoker; he considered himself a smoker who hadn't lit up in 40 years. To me, self-harm feels very much the same.

I've buried the lede a bit there, but give me a second.

It has been nearly 15 years since I last hurt myself. It's been about 11 since I engaged in dangerous disordered eating habits. But those things will always be a part of me. They played a role in making me who I am - which is a person who has overcome those things and feels stronger and more confident for having done so.

I wanted to speak with honesty and sincerity, and I hope I have. I hope my story sheds some light on what depression can look like for young women (or at least, for this young woman) and on how finding a healthy, joyful coping mechanism can be truly life-saving.

Trigger Warning: Nicole reached out to me with the specific hopes of talking about my experience with depression, self-harm, and disordered eating, and for a little over an hour, that's exactly what we did. I never go into gruesome detail, speaking instead in euphemisms and generalities, but if you're not in a place to listen to that kind of subject matter, definitely skip this episode of the podcast.

If you listen, I hope you'll be open-minded and understanding. It was hard to put myself out there in this way, although Nicole was such a wonderful host that the conversation really felt natural from the start. The topic is hard, though. Revisiting that dark mindset is hard. Sharing this part of myself makes me feel vulnerable, but it also makes me feel powerful.

I went through this. It's a part of me. I'm still here, and I'm stronger than ever.

If you'd like to listen, here is the the Sound Cloud link. You can also listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

You can also read Nicole's blog and listen to the podcast on the Skirt Sports website.

Click for the full article.

I feel lucky that I am here to share this story. If any of this resonates, I hope it helps to know that you're not alone.

If you're struggling with depression, this link will take you to a variety of helplines.

Finally, I'd like to thank Nicole for giving me this opportunity to share, for wanting to hear my story, and for being such an amazing listener.

ABK

A1A Training: January in Review

Well, it's here. February. Race month. I am feeling...anxious.

In November and December, I felt confident. I was logging the miles and executing my long runs without fail. My paces were great. My legs felt great. Everything was great!

January was tough. I started to hit the wall. Training started to feel a little stale. My legs started to feel a little heavy. My energy started to feel a lot depleted.

But. It could've been worse.

Highs: Getting another 10-miler in and breaking out of my funk to finish the last week of the month on an upswing.

Lows: All those missed runs, whether from post-travel exhaustion or sheer burnout/laziness.

Planned miles: 79
Actual miles: 54

Looking at these totals, I see that my total mileage isn't so far off from previous months, which eases my anxiety a little, although it's pretty embarrassing how short I fell from my original plan. But the main thing here is that, even having fallen short, I'll be ready for this race.

This training cycle has both felt long and also like it's totally flown by. I know now that my excitement to train again led to some major over-planning and unrealistic expectations. For my first cycle back to long distance, I can't be too disappointed.

And now...February is IT. The chance for me to truly finish training the best I possibly can. The chance for me to truly feel like I'm back to being the runner I was. It will mark a full year of recovery and rebuilding. If I think too much about it, I might explode. So instead, I plan to put my blinders on and finish. this. thing.

ABK

A1A After All

Awhile back, I wrote about looking for a comeback half marathon. I was thinking about the Space Coast or Miami, but neither really excited me. My heart had been set on A1A, because (as habitual readers will know) I've run that race every year for my birthday for the last four years.

The first year, my sister surprised me at the finish line, my cheer-squad wore birthday hats, and I met Kristina.

Year two, I earned my marathon PR. Year three, I ran the half marathon with Elizabeth; it was my last race pre-diagnosis and surgery.

Year four, the A1A 5k was my first race back post-surgery, and the idea of running it for the fifth time as my first half back felt like it would be perfect closure on a tough year.

February 2018

I wrote that I was going to have to miss A1A in 2019, but I didn't share how utterly heartbroken I was over it. Elizabeth can attest to my ranting over it, and Matt can attest to the tears. I even whined to Kristina about it - she was very helpful in talking out other half marathon possibilities. The bottom line was, we had other obligations set for February 2019 that were important and impossible to miss, so I had to be a grown up and break my birthday tradition.

People kept tagging me on posts about the medals this year - A1A is known for its medals - and I would immediately publicly wallow about missing out on THE BEST MEDAL EVER.

Since then, I haven't felt like finding a half marathon. I've enjoyed running at my own pace and without a plan. I decided if no race really excited me, then I wouldn't run one. On Monday evening, I did an easy two miler and reflected on the fact that I just didn't want to push beyond two miles, and because there wasn't a plan to follow that said I had to, I didn't go farther. I felt at peace with that decision.

Then, everything changed.

I texted Matt early Tuesday afternoon to find out if I had to take February 15 off of work for our plans. He responded with quite a surprise: the plans were being rescheduled and my birthday weekend was open once more.

My reaction was very mature and sedate:

After calling Matt and having the shortest discussion ever (Him: Can you train for it in time? Me: UH YEAH Him: Okay) I booked the race immediately and told Elizabeth, who shared in my celebration. I messaged Kristina,  too. Suddenly, I was filled with longing to run a race. No, not just a race. This race. And with that longing came an immediate desire to train. To build my mileage. To have a plan.

I knew I was upset to be missing A1A, but I hadn't realized that not having a race to be excited for was really putting me in a running rut. I'm past running for medals, but the tradition and celebration of A1A means so much to me, and I am suddenly filled with anticipation and pure joy.

I am going to train for a half marathon! I am going to run my favorite race! I am going to celebrate my birthday in my favorite way!

I. Can't. Wait!

ABK

Dear Dr. G

Dear Dr. G -

This time last year, you performed bilateral fasciotomies on my lower legs to relieve my chronic exertional compartment syndrome. Before coming to you, I saw two doctors. The first seemed clueless and unmotivated to solve the medical mystery of the tightness and pain my calves. The second told me to give up on running, telling me that women always regret the scars from corrective surgery.

Words cannot express the gratitude I have for you and your team. It meant so much to me that you listened when I explained my symptoms, that you were eager to treat me, and that your vision for my longterm recovery was the same as my own. You never tried to talk me out of surgery. You never suggested that my passion for my sport mattered less to me than few cosmetic abnormalities would. Your goal to was help me run again.

These days, I am running again. The fact that I am seeing my old paces and distances just one year post-surgery is astounding, especially because I spent such a long time sidelined before I met you.

I am not a competitive runner. Maybe that's why other doctors weren't pressed to get me on my feet. But I use running to manage my anxiety and depression. Running is the only form of exercise I have ever enjoyed, so it is the only one that I have stuck with. When I can't run, my mental and emotional health suffers.

There were times last year when I thought I'd never run again. That was devastating. When I say you gave me my life back when you treated my legs, I really mean it. I cannot thank you enough.

Thank you. Sincerely.

Warmly,
ABK

July vs. August Miles

Today's post is just a quick update for the end of August and how it compared to July.

July: 26 miles

In July, I was still running 2-3 miles more frequently than I aimed for 3-4. My dedication took a hit from traveling and then going back to work. I was pleased that I got a few runs in while on vacation, though. I tend to slack while traveling.

Toward the end of August, I planned to add in weekend runs, but I got sick the last week of the month. I managed to still get my three weekday runs in, but I didn't see a benefit in pushing myself to run while battling the back-to-school crud, so I took the last weekend off. I also upped my weekday runs from 2-3 miles to 3-4, which made a big difference.

August: 48 miles

I nearly doubled my total miles between July and August, which is mind-boggling and incredibly motivating. August is by far my highest-mileage month in ages, and I felt good the entire month, without any aches, pains, or tightness.

I am tentatively planning to lengthen my weekday runs by a half mile or so until my base is 5 miles instead of 4. Despite the humidity and work-exhaustion, my runs have all felt really good and almost easy, so it's time to do a little more.

I am officially one year post-op on my right leg. Even though the process of diagnosis, surgery, and recovery felt long, in the grand scheme of things, I am pretty much back to where I usually am at this time of year and I feel great. I am grateful, amazed, and complaint-free.

ABK

Mini-Goals & Surprise Race

Last week, I felt like I finally hit the next "step" of recovery. From December 2017 (when I started running again) to June, I really just enjoyed running again, without any guidelines or expectations. Since June, I've mentally been in a weird kind of in-between phase, where I'm enjoying the freedom of running however and whenever I want, but also wanting to see progress. I've been in this stage since around June, but I think I'm finally moving on.

Over the last two weeks, I've set a couple modest goals. For one thing, I finally upped my minimum run distance to 4 miles. Four miles is my happy distance, but it's been too easy to cut runs short when it's super hot and humid out. I'm not giving myself that out anymore. When I plan to go for a run, I plan for four and I do four. This has given me a little bit of structure and increased my weekly mileage.

Can you guess which week was the first week back at school?

The other mini-goal I've set in the last two weeks is to run Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. So far, I've been able to stick to that, and I've even been able to motivate myself to go when the weather is gross and Elizabeth isn't joining me.

My next step is to finally start adding weekend runs. I've been so exhausted from going back to work that the last thing I want to do on weekends is break a sweat.

So, on that note, it looks like I'm running a race on Saturday. I'm not really prepared for it, but I plan to run it for fun and to kickstart a desire to train for something...or at least add that elusive weekend run to my plans.

It feels nice to have a little more structure and to be out of limbo, and to be getting there naturally. I was afraid I'd have to force it, but it seems like, as usual, the recovery process has its own timeline. I am starting to feel back to my old self, and that gives me hope for the future of running, racing, and the longterm running goals I kept my sights on to give me hope last year during my diagnosis and surgeries.

Because honestly? For awhile, I was a little afraid those goals would be dust in the wind, but now I'm seeing that there will come a time when I finally feel ready to go for them. I just have to keep being patient and keep trusting the process.

ABK

A Run Worth Analyzing

Thursday evening I hit a little milestone post-surgery: I completed my third 4-mile run of the week, bringing my miles to 12 before I even reached the weekend. It's my longest mileage week of recovery!

But that's not why I want to analyze this run. I want to remember how it felt.

I ran the first two miles with Elizabeth, who is about 23 weeks pregnant, and the last two alone. For the first mile, we stuck together. We kept a very easy pace of about 9:51. I felt like my body had shifted into its perfect gear; I could have kept at that pace forever and never needed a rest.

We took a brief walk break at a mile and took a photo, then ran the second mile nice and easy. Including the walk at the beginning, our average pace was 10:21, which is much closer to the pace we tend to run together these days. Little Pudge is getting to be a burden for Elizabeth.

At the two mile mark, Elizabeth dropped back as planned and I continued on my own. We agreed that I would just finish my run without looping back to check on her at all, and she'd meet me at the end.

My third mile and fourth miles were fast. There were times I saw 9:10 or faster on my watch. I took a brief walk at the end of mile 3, more because I wanted to than that I needed it, and by the end of mile 4 I was so desperate to finish strong that I was scared to slow down for fear I'd end up walking again. I finished the last quarter mile at a sprint, running sub-9.

It was like my legs had a mind of their own. They felt amazing and strong. It was humid and gross out, and my breathing was ragged, but it's been worse.

I felt like I was transcending something.

And I had to stop and think after this run, because lately I've been so sure that summer has sapped me of all my speed and strength, and back-to-school stress has sapped me of my motivation and energy. But tonight I saw that everything is still there. It's just been resting a bit as I acclimate.

I've been slow lately because of the combination of summer, work, and having a pregnant running buddy, and pace has been one major factor in my reluctance to build distance right now. In fact, I spent some of our run tonight lamenting over my disinterest in running a half marathon anytime soon and yet not wanting to miss the opportunity this winter - I don't want to wait another year to run a half!

I ran this route three times this week, and felt stronger and faster each time.

By the time I finished this run, I realized that maybe I am ready to build distance after all, because I felt it all fall into place again.

As Elizabeth and I adjust our plans to fit both our needs as her pregnancy continues, I'll have the opportunity to build my own schedule and work in long runs. The only thing holding me back is myself. The good news is that I think they're finally starting to really fall away.

ABK

I'm Indecisive

I actually ran four times in the last seven days! That means I've hit another post-surgery milestone - the highest weekly mileage I've seen in over a year!

Sunday, Elizabeth and I ran an easy 2.5 miles around the golf course. I was thinking about how nice it felt to have a quality running week under my belt. Summertime is always weird for running schedules - I'm rarely training for anything and I can't keep track of the days of the week, so my consistency suffers. This past week, I tried to fix that by running every-other-day, and that really seemed to work.

Anyway, as we finished the run and I was basking in my accomplishment, I began to wonder if it's time for me to start running with more purpose. Obviously I know my body is ready for it, and I'm actually surprised how soon it feels that way.

I couldn't resist.

I know it's been a long time since surgery and even longer since I had to stop running entirely due to my calves, but in the grand scheme of things, I've bounced back really quickly.

Part of me is loving the freedom of running when I feel like it without any prescribed runs. I'm not craving speedwork or consistent long runs or anything like that. I feel much like I did when I very first started running, when every run was a victory and I didn't need bells and whistles (or goals) to make running worth it.

Still just overjoyed to be out there.

Another part of me is frustrated with this sort of plateau I've let myself settle on. I know I can be ratcheting up the intensity of my runs and building in some bridges, speed work, and long runs. I have a desire to get back to where I was before compartment syndrome interrupted my life. I want to eventually exceed where I was. That means I can't let myself just do whatever for the foreseeable future.

Can I?

I wrote awhile ago about starting long runs again this summer, and that's still something I want to do, but it also doesn't feel urgent. I have been building mileage, but I haven't been moved to run a consistent long run each week.

I have gotten up to 5 miles, though, and that feels long to me!

Basically I am stuck in two states of mind right now. I think the disconnect stems from the season. I really don't like training during summertime - there are too many interruptions, the weather stinks, and my sleeping schedule is all over the place. Maybe that's the bottomline, then, and the solution:

I am excited to have something to train for and to have a more structured running schedule...in the fall.

ABK

Just Some Things

Today, I have an unofficial Friday Five to share.

1. Running is starting to feel a little "normal" mentally lately. What I mean by that is that the honeymoon is over. I'm remembering that my relationship with running is a love/hate sort of thing, and that summer running especially is incredibly difficult and frustrating. Even while I'm absolutely thrilled to be running, it feels hard right now.

Reconsidering my choices after 4 miles over the bridge.

I'm glad the nice weather and my recovery coincided, because I don't think I could have dealt with Florida summer while being newly post-op.

2. I have a race on Saturday. It's the Sup and Run 5k I did in 2016, where I placed 3rd in my age group and managed to set a 5k PR. It's supposed to storm the day of the race, so I don't have any particular goals in mind. I know I won't be running anywhere near 26:xx this year; I'm excited to race it, but I'm also ready to take a little break from racing for the summer to focus on building stamina.

Walk breaks have helped balance my stamina, but I'd prefer not to rely on them.

I am struggling with modulating my pace lately. My first mile of every run is around 8:45, and then by the end of the second mile I'm totally tapped. When I slow down, my legs get achy and my gait feels clunky. I can build in walk breaks to help ease the issue, but I'd like to get control over my pace again. I might have to resort to some treadmill running to help retrain my legs!

3. Speaking of summer, I have eight school days left until summer break. I honestly can't believe how this year has flown by! Over break, Matt and I will be traveling to Washington state for Robby and Scott's wedding; I am beyond excited!

I mean, how cute are they?!

4. We have finally begun work on the house to fix the damage done by Hurricane Irma. Things were tangled up with insurance, but now they've been mostly untangled (or they're at least in the process of being untangled...) so we no longer have holes in our living room walls!

I learned how to install drywall...kind of.

Of course, we still have some major leaks in our roof and hurricane season has started, and it looks like it'll be ongoing for awhile.

"Indefinitely"...I am not amused.

I realized the other night that Irma has ruined me for enjoying storms. I used to love sleeping while it stormed outside, but all this week I keep waking up paranoid that the house was going to flood or we'd lose the roof. I think I have a mild form of PTSD.

5. I watched Nicole DeBoom (the founder of Skirt Sports) talk about her struggle with alcohol abuse and was reminded that "real women move" is as much about growing and moving from one mindset to another - mental fitness - as it is about physical fitness.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of racing and relaxing - my two favorite pastimes! Happy Friday!

ABK

Time for Some Perspective

When I watched Kristina's April review video, I realized April is the first month that I really moved out of the early stages of recovery and into "training" (or something like it). I thought, Hey, I should review April, too!

Then I saw her comment on my Riverfest 5k recap and had a moment of clarity. As Kristina pointed out, I have been truly back to consistent running for about three months now and am already only 2 minutes (and change) away from my all-time 5k PR. And actually, most of the progress I've made since surgery has been made in this past month; I am improving exponentially. That's pretty amazing.

My mind is so often in a place of overthinking, which means I analyze each run with blinders on, and I lost the big picture a bit. Kristina's comment reminded me that in the grand scheme of things, I'm doing really well. There will still be setbacks, but things are generally moving forward. And quite smoothly, at that.

So, April.

Activity Type	Date	Distance	Avg Pace	Time (minutes)
running	April 1, 2018	2.02	9:49	19:49
running	April 2, 2018	3.01	10:18	31:00:00
running	April 4, 2018	2.31	10:00	23:08
running	April 7, 2018	3.08	9:18	28:39:00
running	April 10, 2018	3.01	10:14	30:46:00
running	April 12, 2018	3.01	10:40	32:04:00
running	April 16, 2018	3.01	10:30	31:35:00
running	April 18, 2018	2.01	9:00	18:03
running	April 20, 2018	4.11	9:44	39:59:00
running	April 24, 2018	4.01	10:24	41:41:00
running	April 26, 2018	3.27	9:58	32:34:00
running	April 27, 2018	2.01	10:10	20:23
running	April 30, 2018	4.01	10:08	40:38:00

This month continued a trend of increasing mileage, increasing consistency (running more than twice a week), and increasing pace.

This was the first month I experience a run during which I didn't think about my legs because they felt so normal I forgot to think about them. I weaned myself off walk breaks.

My legs seemed to just wake up and get strong in April. I raced a 5k and was surprised at my performance. I faced my fear of the bridge I used to run all the time (did I mention it was on that bridge that I first experienced my compartment syndrome symptoms?) and got back to some old routes I hadn't run in over a year.

April's mileage is beginning to look closer to what I was running pre-CS.

An even better longview takes into account the last 12 months. I felt good and normal again in April, and when I look back I see how long it's truly been since I've gotten to experience that kind of normalcy. Now that I'm running again, I sometimes forget how little I was running before. My mileage in April 2018 more than doubles my mileage in the summer of 2017.

You can clearly see which months I had my surgeries during.

Looking back on this month is very rewarding. I feel like I've come a long way. I can see a pattern of improvement and I plan to stay on that path. I don't feel 100% normal all the time, but April is the first month I've felt normal most of the time, and that's worth celebrating.

ABK

A Change of Plans

I am trying not to overreact, but my legs have been sore this week.

It started last Friday. Elizabeth and I completed our first planned week of "training". What I mean by that is that I had known exactly what kinds of runs I wanted to do all week and we successfully met that goal. (And we celebrated after with some ice cream.)

I had sweet cream ice cream, fresh strawberries, and a little drizzle of hot fudge - the perfect treat after a hot run!

Anyway, Friday called for two easy miles to end the week. My legs were noticeably tired, but they still felt pretty okay. They felt like they'd been challenged, but in a good way.

Last week's training runs.

Then on Monday, we did four miles, and my calves were tight. Actually, my left shin was tight and my right calf was sore. I feel like being specific here is important. I was able to run through the discomfort without a problem, which means - logically - that this isn't really a compartment syndrome issue. Also, with the CS, my legs would be so tight and painful I would have to walk, and the pain never lingered after my run, which it has been this week.

Monday's run.

High heat and high humidity have returned, so now I'm all worried my legs are only going to feel awesome in cool weather. But then again, we meant to keep the run slower and purposely slowing my pace always seems to stress my legs; once we started increasing pace at the end of the run, some of the stiffness faded.

It's probably fatigue as a result of increasing my mileage and pace last week. Still, it's hard not to overthink things! I've been on a positive trajectory, getting stronger and feeling better for weeks in a row. I think it makes sense that my legs would be in need of recovery after consecutive weeks of building mileage.

Despite the discomfort, we finished the run feeling strong overall.

I've been massaging my legs nightly all week and won't run again until race day. With a bridge-y 5k coming up Saturday, I really need to just rest and recover as much as possible; that includes getting these negative, fearful thoughts out of my head, too.

If my legs continue to feel sore Thursday and Friday, I'll drastically adjust my plan for the Riverfest 5k. I have a couple days to decide, but it's looking like "finish this race pain-free" is going to be the most important goal I can set...Because if I experience pain on Saturday, I'm not sure what it will do to my head.

ABK

The Bridge

Way back when I first started having calf pain, one of the first things I did was stop running the bridge. Elizabeth and I had been running it about four days a week during half marathon training. I attributed that bridge to my increased paces and stronger endurance when I first started running, and it has always been my favorite means of speedwork.

It was a weekly staple for me, but I haven't run it since December 2016.

Monday afternoon, while deciding where to run, Elizabeth suggested it. And I decided to take the bull by the horns.

It took me all of 2 seconds to agree. I appreciated that she pushed me out of my comfort zone!

We chose to park closer than usual to take the normal route from four miles to three. It was cool and windy thanks to whatever bizarre weather pattern is going on right now, and we had the wind at our backs for most of the run. I felt fresh from four days of rest. The first 3/4 mile was a slightly too-hard warmup. Then came the bridge.

I was surprised. It was...easy. I was nervous going in, sure my calves wouldn't be ready, but my legs and lungs actually felt alright. Good, even.

We walked at the turn-around, about 1.4 miles in, to alleviate Elizabeth's side-stitch. Then we ran back up, this time into the wind. We took a brief walk at the top. My left calf felt...something. Not tight, but stretched. Like it was saying We have not done this in a long time wtf. I've been pushing my left calf much faster than I did my right (because I can, seeing as how they've both been operated on now), so some discomfort is expected, but it's a good reminder to take it slow.

We took more walk breaks than I wanted, but considering we haven't run any inclines in over a year, I think we did pretty well. Our running paces, even up the bridge, were in the 9s. I felt fantastic.

I know I will need to build bridge runs into my routine slowly, maybe once every two weeks for now, but another mental barrier - another post-injury fear - is getting ready to fall. Soon, maybe it will be like this past year never even happened.

ABK

Mental Game & Physical Progress

On our run on Monday, Elizabeth and I were discussing my plans for the Fast & the Furriest 5k. I was telling her how I'm anxious due to my inconsistent runs, and how everyone else's belief in me is making me angry. I am trying to be realistic with my recovery; dismissive cheerleading of the Oh-please-you'll-be-GREAT! variety is frustrating. It feels like it erases all I've been through, and if I don't perform well those same people won't get why.

But Elizabeth knows, and she gets it.

She told me: "There are three ways this race could go. Maybe you surprise yourself and run it in like 28:30 and are like holy crap. Or maybe it's humid and gross out and you have a solid but not great run and do it in like 31 minutes and miss your goal. Or, and I hope not, but maybe you'll have a really bad day and your legs will hurt and it'll be slow. But no matter what, the fact that you are four months post-surgery and racing is a huge accomplishment. And we are running together again! And when you were first running again, we walked like every two minutes, now look at us! We are running a mile or more before we walk!"

I stopped her long enough to tell her that I need to listen to her more often.

I ran two days in a row this week! Go me!

No matter how Saturday's race goes, the fact that I'm racing is kind of amazing. I never thought I would again. Even if 5ks are all I can ever race from now on, I think I could be happy with that.

When it comes to a chronic injury, the mental stuff is just as hard to deal with as the physical stuff - sometimes it's harder. I'm so grateful I don't have to go through either alone.

(Also, after Monday's run my legs felt downright normal, and they felt normal on Tuesday and Wednesday, and on Wednesday's run, too. Has a corner been turned? Has a mental weight lifted? I guess we'll see!)

ABK

My Next Race

I hope you all had a nice holiday weekend! We originally had Easter Monday off as well, but because of Hurricane Irma (the storm that keeps on giving), we lost that day off. But I was glad to have Good Friday off.

On Friday we went to see an old student of mine in a play (She Kills Monsters). It was hilarious and moving - I'm a nerd and totally choked up a little. We rarely get a chance to go out like that, so it was really fun to do something different.

Saturday we went to my aunt and uncle's for Passover. Our house is still a construction zone, so it was really nice of my aunt to offer to host. She is basically a bonafide chef/baker, so everything was sooo delicious. My sister was out of town, so as the only gluten-free person there, I got to take home the best leftovers.

Leftovers! Passover has the best food.

Matt and I spent Sunday lounging around. He did a timed paddle in his OC1 and I got a little run in. It started to rain about halfway through, but I didn't mind at all. My plan was to keep it short and see if I could avoid walk breaks. I've had a little cold for the last two or three weeks, but despite that I still held a sub-10 pace and didn't walk at all.

This brings me to this weekend's 5k. I am running the Fast & the Furriest 5k on Saturday. This was actually the first race I ever ran by myself back in 2012. When it changed venues, I stopped running it, but I've always liked this race and I'm excited for it.

I actually set some goals for this one. I am very in-tune with my body but my runs have been a bit all over the place, so I don't really know what I'll be capable of. That said, I think running a race with a few goals in mind will help move me into the next step of recovery.

A: Run a sub-30:00 5k. This is a goal that really brings me back to my early days of running...and after all, I am starting all over from scratch, so it's a good goal to have. I'm skeptical I can achieve this goal, but I'll be ecstatic if I do.
B: Don't walk. Even if I have to slow down to a more manageable pace and miss a sub-30 finish, if I can avoid walk-breaks for this 5k, I'll be happy.
C: Take managed walk breaks and finish at a run. If I end up feeling weak or strained, if I can keep my walk breaks to pre-planned, brief breaks and finish mile 3 at a strong, full run, I can live with that.

When I ran A1A, I felt really strong, and by the end I felt like the walk breaks weren't necessary but I stuck with them. I have come a long way since then, but I am still not consistent, so even with these goals my performance at this race is probably going to end up being a surprise to me.

At least two colleagues are running F&tF this weekend, too; I always like when I can look forward to seeing familiar faces at a race! (When I registered, I messaged all my running co-workers but I'm not sure if anyone else ended up signing up.) After I registered I saw that there would be finishers medals this year, so that's a nice bonus, too.

I am nervous about this 5k but in a good way; A1A was my first start/finish line post-surgery, but this will be the first race I actually...well...race.

ABK

My Legs are Different

It seems obvious, but I never really considered that having surgery to alter the natural inner structure of my legs would change how my legs look on the outside. Now that measurable swelling is mostly a thing of the past, I can see that my legs aren't the legs they used to be.

(These changes are really hard to capture in a photo; just trust me that they are super obvious in person!)

I have a weird divot at the bottom of my left leg, where the calf meets the ankle. This structural anomaly isn't present in the right leg. This is the most obvious change to me; my left leg is shaped significantly differently than it used to be, and significantly differently than its twin.

It's like my calf muscle turns a corner before it meets the ankle.

I now realize the shape of the fascia helps create the shape of your muscles; it holds them in like a girdle. The way my left calf muscle has settled post-surgery is odd, to say the least.

Speaking of divots, I now have matching calf-dimples on both legs. I never had these before! They are physical representations of what I can feel now when I massage them - nooks, crannies, and creases and an incredibly malleable muscle!

But on the plus side, check out my quad muscles! SQUATS BABY!

Another weird thing I'm experiencing in my left leg is some discoloration. My shin is still numb, which is normal. What's maybe not so normal is this weird port-wine stain splotch that appeared post-run last Monday. It went away after 10 minutes, before I was even home to elevate or ice. I will be monitoring this to see if it happens again, and under what sort of circumstances.

Scott couldn't find anything on this in medical literature but recommends that I see my surgeon if it keeps occurring. It's probably just some blood pooling after a tough run.

I know that legs getting kind of blotchy after working out can be common and benign; I just find the placement so odd.

Finally, for awhile now I've noticed a rather prominent vein in my shins. It pops up during and after runs, and is much more obvious in my right leg than my left. It looks like those snaky arm-veins bodybuilders get. After our run last week, Elizabeth asked me, "Did you used to have that giant vein in your leg?" I was like, "Nope."

This vein gets so puffy when I run or stand for a long time. This picture does not do it justice.

Maybe this vein used to be restricted by the fascia and now it can be free!

Even with all these oddities, I am still 100% happy I opted for the surgery. I wonder how my legs will continue to change as my legs recover fully and get stronger!

ABK