My Story on Run This World with Nicole DeBoom

Trigger Warning: General discussion of depression, self-harm, and disordered eating.

It's been awhile since I've written anything about my history with self-harm, and it's probably been even longer since I've just come out and said it so bluntly: I have a history with self-harm.

I'd say, too, that I have a present with self-harm, in the sense that I sometimes still think about it. Like I told Nicole when she interviewed me for her podcast, I liken self-harm to being an addict. My grandpa, an ex-smoker, once told me he didn't consider himself a recovered smoker; he considered himself a smoker who hadn't lit up in 40 years. To me, self-harm feels very much the same.

I've buried the lede a bit there, but give me a second.

It has been nearly 15 years since I last hurt myself. It's been about 11 since I engaged in dangerous disordered eating habits. But those things will always be a part of me. They played a role in making me who I am - which is a person who has overcome those things and feels stronger and more confident for having done so.

I wanted to speak with honesty and sincerity, and I hope I have. I hope my story sheds some light on what depression can look like for young women (or at least, for this young woman) and on how finding a healthy, joyful coping mechanism can be truly life-saving.

Trigger Warning: Nicole reached out to me with the specific hopes of talking about my experience with depression, self-harm, and disordered eating, and for a little over an hour, that's exactly what we did. I never go into gruesome detail, speaking instead in euphemisms and generalities, but if you're not in a place to listen to that kind of subject matter, definitely skip this episode of the podcast.

If you listen, I hope you'll be open-minded and understanding. It was hard to put myself out there in this way, although Nicole was such a wonderful host that the conversation really felt natural from the start. The topic is hard, though. Revisiting that dark mindset is hard. Sharing this part of myself makes me feel vulnerable, but it also makes me feel powerful.

I went through this. It's a part of me. I'm still here, and I'm stronger than ever.

If you'd like to listen, here is the the Sound Cloud link. You can also listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

You can also read Nicole's blog and listen to the podcast on the Skirt Sports website.

Click for the full article.

I feel lucky that I am here to share this story. If any of this resonates, I hope it helps to know that you're not alone.

If you're struggling with depression, this link will take you to a variety of helplines.

Finally, I'd like to thank Nicole for giving me this opportunity to share, for wanting to hear my story, and for being such an amazing listener.

ABK

Dealing with Depression

A few weeks ago, Nicole Deboom (the founder of Skirt Sports) reached out to our ambassador group to see if any of us had ever struggled with depression and wanted to share how we coped. I answered the call and sent in my story.

Her article in Women's Running magazine was published last week, just as we heard news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.

Something I told Nicole was that I don't believe exercise alone is ever enough to treat real, clinical depression. The idea that you can exercise your depression away is actually something that feeds into the stigma that depression and mental illness aren't "real" medical conditions that need real treatment. The movement against "big pharma" and medicinal intervention is dangerous and shames people, making seeking treatment even more difficult.

I am grateful that she included that insight in her article. You can read it here.

When Nicole posted the article on Facebook, she said: "My biggest takeaway is that the healing can't start until you can safely talk about your depression and anxiety. That is #1. I actually thought that through my research process I would find that exercise was the key to healing and health. What I found is that while exercise plays a part, it is not the primary key to healing. Many factors come into play."

I've written about my depression here before, but never so explicitly. I am trying to be better about speaking out, so that others who suffer can feel empowered to do so, too.

Healing, recovery, coping, and remission look different for everyone. If you're still looking for what works for you, maybe you'll find something useful in this article.

ABK

My Favorite Photo (Trigger Warning)

Let me be up front about this...I don't really know if I want to be writing this post. It's been swimming around in my head for ages and I know it's a topic that could create hope or change or empowerment for some people, so I should post it.

But it's also really private. Not to those who have known me a long time, not really; but it's not something I talk about much even with them. And while I do share a lot of my life here on the blog, there are some parts that I try not to delve into.

Still, I feel like sometimes being brave means putting things out there, and I've been wanting to put this out there for months. So here it is.

This is my favorite running photo.

It was taken after the Space Coast Marathon as I sat, recovering and crying a little, covered in glory and friends and flowers, sporting my brand new medal. Victorious.

The words on my arms are words from my sister, who wrote me a heart-wrenching good luck card, and Matt, whose usual blunt encouragement leaves no room for disagreement.

And those words, scrawled on my arms before I set off to do something totally life-affirming, something that epitomizes strength and determination, are written over dozens of self-inflicted scars.

You can barely tell in the photo. Most people don't really notice them in person, or if they notice, they have the tact not to ask about them.

But I see them. When I look at this photo, my eyes zero in on this strange meeting of my greatest time of weakness and my greatest moment of strength.

When I look at this photo, I see what my life was and what it has become. I am so grateful; I am humbled; I am in awe. I created those scars during a time in my life when I never imagined I could ever have the strength to turn my pain into something worthwhile. And here they are, obscured by words that prove the simple truth that, yes, I was able to do just that.

I don't know where my running will continue to take me, but I do know that it has already impacted my life in so many ways, and this picture is just one example of how completely I have changed...in part thanks to this sport and all it has given me. This March was my 10th anniversary of being..."clean", I guess you'd say. Some days are harder than others, and on those days, I run.

I know running has changed many of my runner-friends' lives for the better. Do you have a story to share?

ABK