Paradigm Shift

I've talked a little bit before about The Leader In Me and the Seven Habits at my school. This past Tuesday, we had a teacher workshop that revisited the first three habits and paradigms.

Paradigms are how we see and interpret the world. What we see affects our actions. What we do directly influences what we get.

In life, we should work toward having paradigm shifts, where our point of view is altered and thus, so is our reality. We see the world as it really is; our blinders, preconceived notions, and assumptions fall away.

This classic optical illusion is a good example of a paradigm shift. Whether you see the old woman or young woman first, once you see the other, you can't possibly look at the image the same way again. Your view has been altered.

As we were doing some personal reflection Tuesday, I had a paradigm shift.

I was ruminating on my post about Matt's race, and the insight I had about Matt's reaction to finishing 32 miles compared to my reaction to finishing 26.2.

Matt's look of determination and grit...

...my look of pure disbelief and joy.

I wrote that maybe Matt's apparent lack of awe at his accomplishment was due to his total confidence in himself as an athlete, whereas my total amazement with myself was a result of my constant doubt.

Despite all I've accomplished, I still see myself as a weak runner. This is my paradigm, even though I hadn't really realized I believed it until Tuesday.

I didn't always feel this way. In 2012-2013, I was PR'ing like crazy and I knew I was awesome. When and how did this negative paradigm take over? Why did I let it?

The paradigm shift I experienced Tuesday seems so obvious, and it's probably something I've thought of before but never with such clarity: I can be a great athlete if I really put the effort into it, because despite all I say and do, I haven't actually put my full effort into training in over two years. 

Here's the other part of the paradigm shift: I began allowing myself to slack off and make excuses for the sake of enjoying running again after too much overtraining, but now I'm tired of the lack of drive. My "take it easy" mentality has turned into self-doubt, because I haven't been pushing myself enough. So this paradigm is a cage of my own making.

Anyway, turning these thoughts over in my head has helped me come to a decision about next year. I won't be running a marathon in 2016. I'm going to go back to 5k and 10k races, with the occasional half thrown in. And I'm tired of letting myself coast. I want to focus on making improvements where they really count for the long haul.

Rather than running long, I want to refocus on running fast.

(I'm still really excited about my marathon this year! Don't get me wrong. But I'm definitely ready to step back into shorter distances and focus on fundamentals once BDR is in the bag.)

If I fail, I fail. But I think it will feel good to challenge myself in a new way and to truly work toward creating a new paradigm.

Have you ever experienced a paradigm shift?

ABK

Being Likable is Overrated

I had to laugh (kind of) when Kristina posted about being "too aggressive" in a work meeting because I'd had this post under construction when I read hers. (If you haven't seen it, go read it! She tackles this topic eloquently and with, perhaps, more relevancy than myself.)

Over the last few years, I've been making the purposeful choice to not care what people think. This seems to be working for me; the result has been that my confidence has grown. It has made me a better teacher, a more honest friend, and a more dedicated hobbyist. (Seriously, once I stopped caring about what other people think, my running improved and so did my writing.)

One of the biggest mistakes new teachers make? Wanting the kids to like them.

Are there times I have to compromise? Sure. I work with administration and the curriculum team and that often means interacting with teachers that aren't usually on my grade-level team. Sometimes I have to swallow my personal feelings and be nice and likable because, as someone in a mentor position, that's kind of my job.

Are there times I'm worried I'll get myself into trouble? Of course! I've definitely found my voice over the past couple years, and sometimes it means speaking out pretty bluntly about what's going on at our school or with education in general.

But I've found that I'm happier. There's a freedom to being honest. I like knowing that my integrity is intact because I refuse to just smile and make nice when something is bothering me. I feel stronger. And if it means I'm not buddies with everyone, that's okay. I don't believe in burning bridges for the sake of burning them, and I know there's a time and place to lay on the charm, but I also know the people who can handle me are totally the right friends for me.

So what had me thinking about this? I read this article the other day and it really resonated with me; it confirmed for me that the path I've chosen to take is the right one. We often silence ourselves or defer to others in an attempt to be liked, and honestly? Being liked isn't always worth it. When being liked is all we strive for, it makes us passive. I don't want to be passive. I can deal with not being liked.

I'd rather be respected.

Do you spend time worrying about whether people like you?

ABK 

Why Health Screenings Suck

This post is kind of serious and kind of sad, so I'm going to throw in funny stock photos to lighten the mood. 

 

When signing up for health insurance every year, our provider has an optional health screening. If you score certain points from the screening (good blood pressure, BMI, heart-rate, etc), you can save money on your policy.

Usually I really don't mind the screenings. As someone who exercises frequently and is fairly healthy, I don't really see it as being stressful or scary. I also think it's nice to receive a benefit for being healthy.

But this year I was pretty annoyed. The problem is so simple it's stupid. I looked at the scale when they weighed me. Usually I close my eyes or I get on the scale backwards. Most women who have dealt with any kind of weight issues or disordered eating understand where I'm coming from. But this year I was pressed for time and didn't stop to think, and when I stepped on the scale, I had one of those moments of utter misery. 

The internet is fully of HILARIOUS stock images of women yelling at scales. Is this normal?! Do real women do this?!

The scale shouldn't dictate how I feel. I've come a long way from letting my self-worth depend on the number that I see there. We have no scale in the house and I literally never know what I weigh. I "monitor" my weight by the fit of my clothes; the last time I checked my weight was a few years ago, and I've assumed I'm still the same weight because I'm so short that when I gain/lose weight, my clothes fit totally differently. So avoiding hard numbers works for me.

Before this scale debacle, I was perfectly happy with how I look; all it took was one look at the numbers to make me question my confidence. That's not okay.

This is all to say that I've had an idea of what I weigh, but haven't checked in a long time, and I've been perfectly happy with my body. But, all that changed when the nurse weighed me at the health screening; the scale said I weighed almost 10 pounds more than I have ever weighed in my life.

Apparently searching "sad vegetables" brings up pictures of veggies that need to be hugged.

I immediately went into that mode of thinking, "How can I possibly lose this weight?" Logically, because my clothes are fitting me the same and I look the same in the mirror, I had a pretty good idea that most of this weight is muscle mass from my recent training. However, the illogical side of my brain was telling me that I can't possibly look good at this new weight and that I must find a way to lose it.

I know that I no longer fit some of my old favorite jeans. I also know that that's because my thighs and my butt have gotten a lot bigger and more muscular since I started running. It's also totally normal for me to not fit into the clothes I wore when I was 19. I know all this; these are things I came to terms with years ago.

But somehow, even though I was fine with all of this before I was weighed, now it matters. And the scale is to blame for that. 

I, too, resort to gymnastics to zip jeans that clearly don't fit my body.

I'm frustrated because I thought I was past the point where weight mattered. Especially because I know that I'm strong, fit, and so much more than just a number on the scale. Especially after all this training and a successful 20 mile run!

Here's the really sad part (as if this wasn't sad enough): a colleague told me later that day that she was sure the scale was seven pounds off. That's exactly how off I thought it was, too. So all this obsession and worry is for nothing, because most likely the scale was just wrong.

I wish that I could just not care. I know the bottom line is that this has taken up too much of my thought process, and that's a problem. I guess I have some stuff to work out in my head that I didn't realize I was still dealing with.

Why can't I just be carefree like this yogurt-eating, staring-into-the-distance lady?!

I wish I had a better way to end this rant. Do you deal with scale-issues?

Any words of wisdom?

ABK

I Run...

Happy National Running Day! Last year, I had a really hard time filling out the "I Run" badge you see here. There were so many reasons, and putting them into a single, direct phrase was pretty daunting.

This year, I was a little better prepared. Looking at all running has given me and all it has taught me, it can be summed up simply enough:

Really, isn't that what it boils down to? Running challenges me. It shows me what I'm really made of. What I can accomplish. It has shown me that I am...

...stronger than I ever thought...

A new 5k PR and the first time I ever placed at a race.

 ...more capable...

Finishing my last leg of Ragnar with one final kill.

...braver...

The first time I ever raced alone.

...and more resilient.

A new half marathon PR just a week post-Ragnar.

 I know and understand myself so much better because of running. That's an invaluable gift.

 

Even as a "seasoned" runner (I've been running for five years now, I can hardly believe it!), I still fall into the trap of seeing runners and assuming it's easy for them. But we all know the truth. Running takes effort, and it's the effort that makes it great.

Recently, I've been getting those messages I so love from old friends. You know the kind...they tell you that your running has inspired them, and they want to try it out, and can you offer advice?

So this is for you, newcomers. Welcome to the tribe! Of all the things running has given me, I think the friendships will always be #1.

Why do YOU run?

ABK

When I Had a Thigh Gap

Today, I overheard a group of my female students discussing diets and lamenting over the fact that they don't have a thigh gap. I thought this trend was on the way out, but apparently I'm just not frequenting the seedy parts of the internet these days.

I told them their discussion depressed me; they're too smart to care about something so trivial, especially because their bodies will be changing drastically in the next few years, and because at least one of these girls is a runner. I assured them that thigh gaps have more to do with bone structure anyway.

But this all got me thinking about those days when I was too-too thin and my thighs didn't touch.

When I had a thigh gap, I had...

Really low self-esteem. No number was low enough. I hated myself everyday.

Hair loss due to malnutrition.

Brittle nails because...well, see above.

Mood swings and a short temper. I was constantly hungry, which meant I was constantly angry and upset.

Memory and focus problems. Days went by in a fog most of the time.

Terrible skin. Drastic dieting led to dry, thin skin.

Trouble socializing. I was too focused on how I looked and whether I would have to eat in front of people to even bother making an effort.

A relapse into clinical depression. I think this one doesn't need much explaining.

My thighs touch these days. They are strong, muscular, and powerful. They push me through long runs, up hills, across finish lines...They make me feel confident. They make me feel like a woman. They make me feel proud of my body.

These thighs helped me PR my last half marathon, and I'm damn proud of them.

The thigh gap seems to be, to this generation, what the magical number on the scale was to me back then. But of course, when I hit that number, I never felt satisfied. If anything, the less I weighed, the more I hated myself, because I still didn't look how I wanted to look. (Body dysmorphia will do that to you.) Obtaining a thigh gap might seem like it will be the moment of victory to these girls, but I know - as do so many others who have been there - that it's just the lid off the first can of worms.

I will never have a thigh gap again, and I couldn't be happier about it.

Can you relate?
Share: why is life better when you're not obsessing over your body?
What would you say to young girls struggling with their bodies?

ABK

I Want...

You know what's sad? When a lack of photo evidence makes me wonder if I have anything of substance to post!

This week's workouts have been therapeutic and necessary. Report card season...Oh how it hurts. Add daylight saving on top of that and you have a recipe for disaster.

Monday I had a great run with Kristin, which helped me put into words quite a few things that have been eating at me. It's great how running does that.

I did T25 on Tuesday, missed my run Wednesday to see an old student (worth it), and rested Thursday (and went to bed before 9pm...again, necessary).

Today I got up early and went to Elizabeth's to do the double T25 workout that Fridays call for. It's amazing how accomplished you feel after getting a hard workout in early. I'm finally feeling normal, so there's a morning run on tomorrow's docket for me.

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I've been thinking a lot lately about things I want. That saying about discipline is true. Discipline is shelving what you want now for what you want most. 

In a world of instant-gratification, it's not an easy thing to ask of ourselves, but it's an important thing. And like anything that's important, sometimes putting it into words and committing ourselves to it (and here it is, folks, my word of the year: dedication!) helps us make it real.

As I was attempting to narrow down my list of "wants" to something truly meaningful, I realized there's just so much to look at. It's hard to narrow it down.

So here it goes.

I want...To make smart decisions in health and fitness that will fuel my running and keep me healthy. I want to be a successful athlete...whatever that means. The first step: Eat right and train right...complete the training for November's scheduled marathon...and run it!

Tuesday post-workout I wanted cookie-fruit-pizza, but chose an apple instead. Progress.

I want...To nurture my friendships so that they don't fall by the wayside when life gets crazy. I want to be the kind of friend people know they can rely on and have fun with. The first step: Set aside time to call people. See nearby friends in person more often. Grab a coffee or a glass of wine. Invite people shopping. Whatever. Be willing to step out of my comfort zone and be more social.

I'm doing my best to stay in touch!

I want...To be more of a risk-taker when it comes to things that really matter to me. The first step: Identify what those things are and figure out an action plan to get there.

I want...To travel. The first step: Start saving some money and figuring out where I really want to go!

So very true.

I want...To write more. The first step: Set aside time everyday to turn off the TV, shelve my phone, and be diligent about writing.

I want...To know I've made a difference in someone's life. The first step: Do my best to truly connect with others and be a valuable person to them. Put real effort into my relationships, both personal and professional.

Notes from students in...2011? (Time flies...I can never remember!)

I want...To be less stressed out, so I can enjoy life more. The first step: Prioritize. By putting first things first and getting the stressful stuff out of the way, there will be more time for fun.

It seems like a lot. But I know my life will be better because of it.

What do you want most?

ABK

Books, Boards, and Big Decisions

At my school, we have a daily break of 15 minutes during which everyone pauses to read from a book of their choice. Students are expected to read 50 books by the end of the year (give or take, depending on length and complexity) and teachers are expected to read 30.

As I've taken time off from running, I've been spending more time with my books. I don't mind that; I'm a voracious reader. I was reading a lot of non-fiction earlier this school year, but now I've gone back to my roots.

My all-time favorite has always been Stephen King, and I've been indulging my obsession quite a bit this month.

I had to reread this one, because the sequel came out and it's been too long!

It's been awhile since SK has written real horror, and this was just what the doctor ordered!

Hey, fall is meant to be spooky, right?

I'm in the middle of this one. Slow at first, but once it picks up, it's awesome.

I've also begun reading Joe Hill's novels. (Hill is King's son, and his books are gory and gruesome and creepy and fun.)

Well-written and eerie. I highly recommend this one, and "Horns".

This week, Matt installed a sound system for a paddleboarding store. As part of his payment, he traded for a paddleboard and paddle for me! I'm psyched. We went to the beach today and I got to use my very own board for the first time ever.

His 'n hers at the beach. (Mine is the BOGA!)

Knowing this is my board helped me feel a lot more comfortable on it. I even dealt with some pretty big swells and didn't fall off. It felt great to get some exercise and spend time outside.

I'm at the beach in October. Jealous?

As far as running goes, I've come to a final decision. I'm going to run a 10k on October 19 and a 15k on the 26th. These are both races I've done before and love. I'm planning to drop to the half from the full for the November race.

I'm disappointed, but I also need to face reality. I'm not ready for the full; I've had too many setbacks. I'd rather run the half and enjoy it than struggle through a full I'm not ready for, possibly injuring myself and definitely doing some mental damage, too.

In January, I set my resolutions. My original goal this year was to run an "extra-long" long run to see how it felt, and then decide on if a full was in my future. I've accomplished that much.

My 2013 NY Resolutions.

This will also allow me to be fully recovered and ready for Ragnar in February.

Running is a life-long commitment. I don't want risk being able to run for a long, long time. In the long run (haha), this is one season that got a little off-track, but there will be many seasons to come.

How do you enjoy spending your downtime?
Are you a big reader? Recommend something to me!

ABK