It's certain. I will.

At this time last year, I was packing for the Space Coast Marathon. I was full of turkey and pie, but I had eaten in moderation. I had the specter of my first marathon looming over my head; it wasn't necessarily a bad kind of looming, but it was unavoidable.

With BDR just around the corner, I've found myself thinking about how my training last year - and my anticipation of my first marathon - was so vastly different than this year's cycle.

Last year...

...I was in constant awe of myself as I hit new milestones, which I now realize was borne of a tiny seed of self-doubt.

...I surprised myself when I realized I could run twenty miles. That run solidified for me that I could run a marathon, and that I would. In a way, training successfully was the greatest accomplishment; the marathon was big, but getting there was bigger.

...My highest mileage month was 79, and that was during the final month of training; I didn't taper properly because I got sick a couple weeks before race day, so my last long run was that enlightening 20 miles mentioned above.

...The moment of clarity - when I knew I'd definitely complete Space Coast and become a marathoner - was like an explosion bursting; this year's has been a steady, warm candle that refuses to go out.

This year...

...I went into training knowing what I'm capable of and feeling confident I would succeed from day one.

...I didn't feel any doubt. It took me awhile to get into the swing of things, and I leaned pretty heavily on Kristin and my virtual buddies to get me going after Archie passed, but there was never a moment that I thought I wouldn't run BDR.

...My 100 mile month in October gave me the confidence and energy I needed to continue building until taper, and then to taper correctly. I've done two 18-milers and one 20-miler, and I did two of those three very-long-runs alone. (The second 18-miler, which I did with Kristin as part of the Fort Myers Half, was actually closer to 19.7 miles.)

...I know I'm slower, but I'm also more consistent.

...I feel calm and certain.

I do think marathon training changes you. Tackling training for weeks on end, building mileage, conquering fear...it all builds a kind of quiet confidence. I don't feel invincible or superior in any way, but I feel like I know myself. I know how I react under pressure, under stress, when I'm in pain, when I'm doubting myself. And I now know how to handle myself in those situations.

My internal dialogue has changed. "I don't know if I can" has changed to "I will." This shift was subtle and happened in stages, but even in my darkest moments, the feeling of inevitability is there. It's very powerful and cannot be argued with. It's certain. I will.

How has training for long distance races changed you?
What lessons have you learned from running this past year?

ABK

"Burning Up What Is False"

I receive emails from RunnersWorld.com for the motivational quotes. Some of them don't really do much more than fill up my inbox, but once in awhile a real gem comes along. When I read this quote, a tremor went through me. It struck me in the heart, the way truth tends to do.

I haven't been able to shake that second sentence from my mind. I had an almost visceral reaction the first time I read it; I was covered in goosebumps. Burn up what is false. It speaks to me on so many levels. We live our lives shrouded in falsehoods; they weigh on us like shackles, dragging us down from the inside.

We're never good enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough, selfless enough...you name it. We are constantly bombarded with images of what we should strive to be, but no person alive today could ever meet such expectations. The only way to achieve peace with yourself is to let go of the illusion that perfection actually exists in a singular way. We should aim to be the best version of ourselves, and leave the rest.

So there it is. Find a way to burn up the falsehoods that cloud our lives and make happiness so difficult to achieve. There are any number of ways to do it, but for me the key is running.

I run, and the weight falls off my shoulders. The stress of work, the fear of inadequacy, the uncertainty of the future...for a time, gone. As long as the run goes, my mind is blissfully free of those doubts - those falsehoods.

For a time after the run, the freedom remains. Running is a talisman, and the memory of the last run wraps me in a cocoon, this safety net that gives me an inner fire that lets me burn up the fictions of the world. I see things more clearly, and I am me, standing tall, secure. I am not how others see me, what the world wants me to be. I am living my own truth, and running is what makes that possible.

Forget what the world tells you. Find the thing that lets you block out the white noise and listen to your own mind. Figure out what is false and light it on fire. Let it burn.

ABK

The Words of Runners

This past week I had the upper-respiratory infection/cold from hell. We were coming off a long weekend, but I couldn't make myself go to work Tuesday. I never, ever take personal days, so that speaks for itself.

I did run Tuesday evening, as my congestion let up a bit, but suffered for it Wednesday. So this was a very light running week. That's okay; in the long run, over-all health and keeping the long-view in mind is more important than racking up the miles.

The African Aid 5k is Saturday...M and I are deciding whether or not to stick together during the race.

Today's blog is about the power of words.

Long before I was a runner, I was an angsty pre-teen. (I say this lightly, but only because distance and time has healed some old wounds. A post for another time will touch on depression, anxiety, and running.) During those years, I lived up north. I had a great friend who understood this angst, and when I moved out of state, we kept in touch. He was a great friend to me, but the main thing we had in common was our depression.

Over the years, I began to see that running was becoming a way for him to fight his demons. In those days, when you carefully crafted an AIM profile filled with quotes that defined you, he had only one: "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." Although Steve Prefontaine said these words, I think of my friend when I read them. These words carry a weight and a power in them.

They had the power to push my friend from a dark present into a bright, powerful future.

As an English teacher and a writer, of course I believe that words have meaning. We are influenced, angered, hurt, buoyed, inspired by words. When looking for motivation or inspiration, words from people who have been in our shoes are sometimes the greatest allies we have.

I've never found a single quote to define a journey in my life. I tend to love anything that will push me, in a down moment, to strive upward. But I've never found myself attached to a quote for a lifetime; I've never developed such a relationship with one that I can think of it in the middle of a run and feel re-energized.

Until, that is, I finished Once A Runner. I posted about the novel in an earlier entry. There's a moment toward the end, when the main character is training for a huge race by doing intervals, just killing himself over it, and his mentor says, "Look, runners deal in discomfort. After you get past a certain point, that's all there really is."

Now on a run, I try to remember that quote. Because pain? Not really a big issue when my knee braces are doing their thing. Shortness of breath, tired calves or quads? Those are issues of discomfort. And I can deal with discomfort.

The friend who bought me the book also shared this excellent one from T. Alan Armstrong, who isn't a runner (that I know of) but still hits the nail on the head: "Champions do not become champions when they win the event, but in the hours, weeks, months and years they spend preparing for it. The victorious performance itself is merely the demonstration of their championship character."

Simply gorgeous. So true, so necessary to remember.

The power of words - something I've loved forever - combined with the power of running (something I've just learned to love recently) is enough to set my soul alight...and send me on a powerful, ebullient, full-hearted run.

I leave you now with two more to get your feet craving pavement:

"We run, not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves...The more restricted our society and work become, the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, 'You must not run faster than this, or jump higher than that.' The human spirit is indomitable."
Sir Roger Bannister, first runner to run a sub-4 minute mile

"Running should be a lifelong activity. Approach it patiently and intelligently, and it will reward you for a long, long time."
Michael Sargent

What are you favorite/most inspiring quotes?

ABK