Confession: I'm Scared

This is not at all running related; I needed to get my thoughts out there so I can come to terms and shake this off. What a better way to do that than on TOL Thursday?

Note: I wrote this post before my first two training days, but now that I've gone I feel a bit better. Training has helped me remember that no one expects me to be perfect immediately (or ever) and that I have an entire team of people who can offer support when I need it. But, some of my fears still exist...so I'm still publishing this post.

I began training for my new job this week. From Tuesday to Friday, I'm learning about what's on my plate for this upcoming school year. Beginning July 25, I'll be officially training new teachers. And right now, I'm scared.

I'm scared my students won't have a socially conscious teacher who will openly discuss politics with them. I don't force my views on students; we discuss, question, analyze, and wonder. We come to mutual understandings. They have learned in my class that privilege exists, that racism and sexism exist, that to embrace other's differences is an obligation we all have, and that we must not give up fighting for equality.

Especially in the current political climate, I worry.

I'm scared my students won't get all they deserve out of the Holocaust unit this year, because I won't be there to answer the hard questions and give them knowledge that goes beyond our classroom materials.

I'm scared my students won't ever learn to LOVE writing in any capacity. That they'll brush off poetry; that they'll feel censored when they write fiction. That the new teacher will follow the curriculum map TOO faithfully and miss out on some of the organic moments where true, meaningful learning and growing happens.

I'm scared my students won't have a teacher they can trust. Someone they can truly be open with about fears and stress. Someone who takes them seriously as young adults, not just children.

I told Matt, after I'd been offered this new job, that I know I'm an awesome teacher; I'm great at my job, and I fear I may be doing a disservice to this upcoming class of 8th graders because they'll have someone else. Our other teachers are fantastic but it's hard to give up control, you know?

I'm also scared I'll struggle with my new job. That my anxiety will cripple me or that teachers won't bother to take my advice seriously. That I'll come off as a know-it-all. That I'll lose paperwork or give people the wrong answers. That I'll waste the precious time of my mentors and superiors as they try to help me acclimate.

And I know that I'll be able to take it one day at a time and figure things out and acclimate quickly - I'm truly a fast learner - but I can't seem to stop myself from worrying. I just really want to do my best and be as helpful and useful as possible.

So wish me luck, guys...because this week is the start of my next big adventure and the first time I'll be doing something new in the seven years I've been at my school.

Any words of wisdom or advice?
How do you overcome fear?

ABK

Post-Race Thoughts

Thank you all so much for your support on my recap! I have to confess something here: I was worried about admitting I had run the full! After I made such a big deal out of choosing not to, I didn't want you all to think I'd purposely lied to make the reveal more dramatic or something.

Is that dumb?

Anyway, this week I've been enjoying a post-race glow. A few things have crossed my mind, some of them pretty random.

1. It's nice to feel sore after a race, especially a marathon! After BDR, I recovered very quickly and didn't have much soreness. Monday and Tuesday I definitely felt A1A in my ankles, knees, hips, and quads...it's the feeling of accomplishment!

(This video is never not funny!)

2. I have this weird feeling that A1A was the marathon my first could have been. If you guys recall, Space Coast training went well but I was on cold medicine during the race that led to crazy calf cramps I'd never experienced before. I think if not for that, my Space Coast performance would have been similar to A1A. There's no real point in making this comparison, but I almost feel like A1A was the marathon I've been aiming for ever since I first decided to run one.

Funny that I almost chose not to run it.

3. I haven't had a problem calling myself a marathoner, but now that I've run three, I really feel I've earned the title - especially because I've gotten the PR and the performance I've been wanting. I finally feel proud of a marathon I've run, and I didn't realize until now how important and fulfilling that would be for me.

Third time's the charm.

4. I'm almost happier with BDR now that A1A worked out. In a way, it turned BDR into a training run. It definitely tested my mental strength and prepared me to suffer in a way Space Coast didn't. Space Coast was my first, so it was automatically wonderful; I had nothing to compare it to, and I was just amazed and glad I had finished. BDR left a bad taste in my mouth, but it humbled me and strengthened me. I'm grateful for that awful experience now! It's also a great reminder that often success isn't a linear path; sometimes we have to struggle and fail before we can succeed.

5. I think when I do eventually run another full, I'm not going to be really specific here about which it is. Obviously I'll post my training, because that's why I have a blog, but maybe I'll keep mum on the specific race. Keeping A1A "casual" really seemed to help me mentally and kept me focused on why I was running it in the first place.

6. I'm having a hard time parting with my temporary tattoos...especially the pacing one! I know it's silly, but looking at it reminds me of what I finally accomplished.

I did finally try to remove it on Tuesday, but without much luck.

7. I am proof that what I've been saying about failure is true: it doesn't define us, but it can make us stronger and better. There's no shame in failing, because it means you actually took a risk and tried, and in the end, if you learned from it, then even failure can be a success.

8. I'm feeling weirdly motivated right now in the sense that now that I know I can run a faster marathon, I want to keep doing it. Sub-5:00 feels almost doable now. But I'm 100% committed to shorter distances this year. I don't want to give up long runs completely because when I eventually do another full, I'd like to be a stronger runner, and that means keeping a good base; plus, I need to get faster at all distances. (And I want to get Elizabeth to 15 miles!) I think being faster and having a good foundation is really going to be fundamental to my continued growth as a runner.

Number eight is really important; it marks the first time that I'm making a decision in my training that will hopefully truly impact me in the long-term. It's also the first time I'm giving myself permission to dream about being a "faster" runner. It's a scary goal because it feels unreachable, but I'm determined to try.

That said, I have no idea how to start, so I'm going to need to do some research about how to get faster when you don't have a goal race in mind! I just want to get faster over all. I can't picture myself as an 8-minute-miler or anything like that, but I'd like to see if the vision I do have of myself - as slow and steady - can change.

Any advice on learning to be faster?
How has running new, challenging distances changed your perspective? 

ABK