Mind Games

I've been itching to write a post dedicated to the simple pleasure of the casual run - the kind where you didn't necessarily plan it ahead, and you're just blowing off steam - but this morning's run was just the opposite of that and quickly proved it deserved its own post. I suppose the other will wait for another day.

If I had to define what kind of racer I consider myself, I would say "cautious". I go into each race thinking, "I'll just keep my pace steady; I hope I meet [insert really easy goal here]." I don't have much swagger or confidence. I set my expectations low to avoid failure, a weakness in myself I've discussed a couple times.

I'm scared that if I push my pace, I'll burn out and end up limping my way to the finish, unable to even conjure up the energy to trot. So instead of setting a race pace that's really challenging, I actually try to ratchet down my speed during races. I know the adrenaline and the people all around will get me going, so I purposely try to counteract that by setting a slower pace.

But today's run - and Tuesday's, as well - have been working on my mind to lift this fear. Our Monday run left me feeling a bit tired, and I hadn't really given it my all, so I was happy to only do three miles Tuesday. But during those three miles, K and I ran at the same pace. She was doing a pace that was easy for her, and  in wanting to keep up with her, I reminded myself that this was a short run and therefore I could push myself and be okay. Her easy run is, for me, a challenge.

We finished those three miles in just over 28 minutes. My 5k time is usually mid-29s. So this means, of course, that I've been shortchanging my 5ks. I told M later that evening that I realized I could probably run a 5k in 28 minutes easily if I were just willing to be a little more uncomfortable for the duration of the run. Of course, letting people know of a goal like that means setting yourself up for embarrassment if you don't reach it, right? Well, maybe not, but it's certainly how my mind works.

Then we ran today. We did a 4.5 mile tempo run. I'd had in the back of my head K's latest blog post, wherein she mentions that the warmup mile we usually do was too slow for her these days. I kept this in mind as we ran this morning, doing our first mile together. (For those new to training runs, a tempo run gives you a warm-up mile and cool-down mile, and you run the middle distance at race pace.) That mile was around 9:28, which was faster than the race pace I did on the last tempo. Our run took us over the bridge and back today, so as I kicked up my speed for the middle 3+ miles, I had that moment of doubt.

K took off at her pace, and I followed diligently. Something in my mind seemed to click. This is "pounding the pavement". I am not going to die from this. I am going to run at a pace that feels uncomfortable until it's time to stop.

And I did. My second mile was 9:13 and my third was 8:56. This is including the bridge. The last mile came in at 9:11, and I took the last half mile in the 9:20s.

I finished this run thinking that I actually felt sore, a good kind of sore, and that I felt I had broken some barrier and proven to myself that the old dictum of running being mostly mental is so damn true! My tendency to slow down at the halfway point, my constant worrying and "checking in" with how I feel, my aggressively uncompetitive nature...these are all obstacles my brain has created to keep me from facing the pain of failure. (The most dangerous is that mid-run slowdown; I know it will destroy me in the Half if I give in to it.)

If you don't try your hardest, you can't be ashamed when you fail, because you can always say, "Oh, well, I didn't really try." How many times have I seen students working under this impression? How often have I told them that failing is how we learn, grow, and make progress? It's terrifying to take a risk, but the outcome is almost always worth it.

I don't think I'm "cured" of these mental hangups by any means. But I do think that these two speedy runs will be strongholds against that whispering doubt. And I know eventually that the doubt won't be able to break through, especially if I do it again and again, running at a faster pace, pushing myself harder, throwing fear of failure and discomfort and momentary pain to the wind. If I relive these runs in my head until the next run, and then the next, I will create stepping stones away from doubt and toward a new confidence.

It scares me to realize how truly desperate I am to feel confident in my runs, in my races. Because wanting to be good means I'm making myself vulnerable. I'm not talking about competing with others; I am fighting a battle with my own mind. I intend to win.

"The real purpose of running isn't to win a race; it's to test the limits of the human heart." -Bill Bowerman, Co-founder of Nike, Inc.

ABK

A Little Dedication

Dedication. If you are a runner, this word may be synonymous with "commitment" or "determination." But I'm using the word today in a truly literary sense. This is a dedication to my running buddy, K.

The end of summer has brought on some wonderful things. First of all, K was able to begin running again. With that came the motivation to begin running before school, in the dark and magical pre-dawn hours of the day. And as with any change in running course, these runs have opened up a new kind of running for me.

The goals are still there, and the will to improve. But there's also something serene about a 5am run. There are few cars going by; we rarely pass another runner. We park in the dark and can keep our eyes on the moon and stars as we go. Our nighttime runs are usually filled with chatter as we catch each other up on our days; I love those runs, but the morning runs have introduced me to a strong, quiet, and deep solidarity.

It may sound weird, but it's almost intimate. Just you, the darkness, the road, and your buddy.

There is something really beautiful about these early runs. Getting out of bed is so, so difficult, but I find myself loath to miss a day, and even the runs that are a struggle leave me feeling centered.

There is no rush to gradepapers-eatdinner-digest-run-shower-packalunch-setupcoffeemaker-getintobedbeforeten. These 5am runs leave my body relaxed and my mind at peace.

So back to the topic of this dedication. In 2009, I set this goal to become a runner. When I started work, that could have easily fallen by the wayside. Think about how many people you've seen who want to improve at something - anything - outside of work, but succumb to the lethargy and fatigue of a long day. I know that I so easily could have been that person. I am not naturally competitive, with myself or others, and giving up has always come too easily for me.

But K was a lifeline. When I started work, there she was; and when I mentioned I liked to run, so did she. It began with barely 3/4 mile runs right after school and progressed into a Half marathon and a complex, rewarding, and refreshingly honest friendship.

I know, based on things she's said and her own blog, that in her time off from running for pregnancy #2, she sometimes felt jealous as I continued to log miles. But, K, I need to give you credit here. I would never have kept up with my running without your influence. Even on days you weren't there, you were there. There are a million times I could have quit. A million days when a well-timed text suggesting a run forced me back into a routine. So for all your "Great job, girl!" exclamations, I'm telling you to take some credit. You helped make me the runner I am today. (But don't stop praising me because of this - your praise means more than any other, because you get it.)

I'd like to end this on a note about the Olympics. The track/field competitions were exhilarating, breath-taking, astounding. I loved every race I got to see. But women's beach volleyball is what really stole my heart this summer. Watching Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings fight to prove they are the best in the world was extremely emotional for me. Every point they scored sent them hugging. Every close call saw them both screaming in support of each other. The way they communicated, pushed each other, forced each other to be better than they ever thought possible...

Really, who could ask for more? A perfect, awesome, excellent, wonderful partner-in-crime to motivate you when you're lacking spirit? A confidant you respect completely on all matters, sport-related or otherwise? Friendly competition that pushes for your success as much as her own?

I really couldn't have gotten luckier. I'm so glad to have my running buddy back, and I'm so ready for us to kick butt this year - individually regarding our own goals, and together as a running duo that won't let anything slow us down.

January 2011, Half Marathon, after K finished & came back to run the last 1/2 mile with me!

ABK

Lovers Key Turtle Trot 5k

May's 5k was a little different than the last two I've done. Not only did I not really "train up" for it, but I knew going in I'd enjoy it for another reason. The Turtle Trot takes a route through a beautiful state park, over leaf-shaded trails, and ends at the beach. I decided not to aim for a PR. The purpose of this race was to remind myself that races are fun. It also helped remove the mental block inflicted by the past couple weeks' worth of setbacks.

Case in point: I almost purposely overslept for this one, because of my self-doubt.

M and I met K at 7:30 for packet pickup. She has about 7 1/2 weeks left on her pregnancy, and is seriously a superhero. I had to laugh at all the incredulous looks and questions she received. "Did you run today?!" Why yes, yes she did. My running buddy is unstoppable!

Anyway, I've never run a trail race before, and the last time I ran a trail was while camping two years ago. This was the main reason I decided not to stress about my time. The race started in a parking lot, went over some soft sand, and then into a shaded area where the trails are mostly packed sand, some shell, and some dirt/grass. I did turn my ankle a few times on some soft shoulders (nothing serious), and the biggest problem was that slower runners were difficult to get around because of the narrow and tree-lined trail.

Can I just mention that I think races should email, along with your signup receipt, some basic race etiquette reminders? Like: If you're running intervals, plan to walk, have a slower pace, or are pushing a stroller, start in the back of the group. Also, if you're running in pairs or keep a slower pace, be considerate to those trying to pass you - move over. I never start right at the line because my pace is barely under 10:00! I know people will overtake me, and I don't want to be a nuisance. This is common courtesy.

The race included a few small bridges (did I mention this state park is a beach park?), which I actually killed! I don't have a lot of hills to practice on, but for some reason I always seem to be able to pick up my pace on short bridges, and that's where I do a lot of my passing. The humidity took a bit of a toll and left me wishing I'd worn a Breathe Right strip. M, K, and I all ran separately, but I caught up with M at the end and we finished the last 1.5k together. The day was very sunny and warm, and the last half mile wasn't shaded, so that was brutal. Longest last km of a race EVER. But we ended on the beach and didn't do too badly.

K, me, and M at the end! Nice beach view!

My final stats were consistent with how I usually do. I seem to always fall just inside the first half of finishers for all categories. (Although here I just missed that by 5 people in the "overall" section.)

Time: 30:35 (Very pleased with this. I wasn't aiming for a specific goal, and the run was so beautiful, I was in no rush. This is consistent with my daily running pace.)

Ranking: 74/200 women, 198/386 overall, 13/28 in my age group.

Pace: 9:51

Now to look up some IT band stretches, because although my feet and legs mostly feel great, my right knee is giving me trouble as usual. I'm so glad for this race...and only a week and a half left of the school year! Summer brings a new goal: learn to become a morning runner. Florida heat in the evenings - even when totally dark out - is killing me!

ABK

The Importance of a Running Buddy

Like I mentioned in my introduction post, I'm not a natural runner by any means. When I first began running, a friend of mine from my grad school cohort agreed to try it with me. But, seeing as neither of us had any running experience, she bowed out after a couple runs. I soon learned that if I were to find a running buddy, it had to be someone with more experience, drive, and determination than I had.

When I first began running and M set me up with my iPod and shoes, he ran with me a few times, but there was some difficulty there. For one thing, his legs are at least six inches longer than mine, and our strides don't match up. For another, he was living in a different state.

So in 2009, when I met K, I was relieved to find that not only did she like to run, but she had experience! K had been a cross country runner in high school. She knew all kinds of jargon, like fartlek and intervals. And because we worked together, we could easily go on our runs right at the end of the day. Perfect.

Although K had her first baby that year, which interrupted our running a bit, it also served as a motivator for her the next summer when she wanted to lose her post-pregnancy weight. Her motivation fed into mine, and we decided (crazily) to train for a half.

But that's a story for another day. The point of this post is the power of a running buddy. K holds me accountable without really having to do much. A simple text ("want to run tonight?") is enough to get my off the couch.

The importance of having a running buddy goes beyond that, though. Let's be honest here. Running is work. Some days, it's the last thing you want to do. You've been at work all day. In my case, that means 8 hours of standing, talking, answering repetitive questions, sometimes shouting, sometimes pulling teeth to get work out of these kids. At the end of the day, wine and TV is like...a dream come true. So why run? Why create another obligation to fulfill?

Well, for one thing, the girl time! The thing I miss most from college is sitting in the sorority house talking about completely inappropriate things, or political things, or literature-related things. During a run, our conversation provides a distraction. After the run, while we stretch, it provides a solid time to catch up and be adults. Honestly, that in itself is priceless. More than anything else - the motivation, the knowledge and advice - the time to just talk and feel like a real person with thoughts, opinions, and feelings is the best part of having a running buddy.

There is something about bonding over achieving a goal that deepens a friendship, and maybe that's what finding a partner to run with is really all about. One thing I know for sure - running would be a lot less enjoyable if I had no choice but to do it by myself.

ABK